My dilemma is how do I keep my 2 beautiful sons from hurting eachother daily?
Both my boys are FASD and NAS. For those of you not in the know FASD is Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder and NAS is Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome. Broken down completely it means these babies were exposed to drugs and alcohol before they were born.
My daily struggle with my boys is that they seem to enjoy inflicting pain on one another. Now I know this is not unique to just my children, or even to just my boys. Alot of people will say that it's just a boy thing. But I don't think it is. Boys like to play and rough house and sometimes (OK most times) it ends in tears with most 'typical' boys. My boys aren't typical. They have special needs. My dilemma is how do I manage it? I know I can't stop it or 'cure' it but how do I manage it?
I have tried everything I can think of and gone to all of the experts in the field either personally or through their literature and nothing is working.
Right now I'm at actually threatening no presents on Christmas morning. My 8 year old understands the concept of being on the nice or naughty list for Santa and even knowing (and he admits) he's on the naughty list, isn't doing anything to curb certain behaviours. A lot of their behaviours aren't controllable by them at this point but some of it is. My husband and I want to take our boys to have their pictures taken with Santa but they're both so banged up (and it's visible) that the pictures just wouldn't be nice reminders of this Christmas.
So what do I do?
Do I go ahead and go through with Christmas like we've always done or do I carry out my threat and they get nothing, well maybe one or two little presents, on Christmas?
Any Mums out there have any advice? I'm desperate to help my boys learn, it's not about hurting their feelings or torturing them on Christmas, I just want to help them learn how to be nice to one another.
Help?!
Kelly, it's me Devon aka Anonymous, LOL.
ReplyDeleteParents control the extravagance levels for Christmas, Easter, birthdays and what have you. You get to set the tradition in your own home.
A prezzie from Dad & Mum, one from the other kid and a stocking filled by Santa is just as wonderful as any other kind of Christmas, if you make it so. Kids know that other people do things differently but your own traditions are the ones they will learn to cherish.
I remember 'secret missions' with my Dad going out together to buy my gifts for my sibs. They also got their turns to buy for each other and me. 'Secret' was the operative word. Those were sort of special outings and a lot of covert planning went into them. Can't remember many of the prezzies I bought, except I did buy my brother a hockey puck and wrapped it in a square of red felt with a gold ribbon. It looked like a plum pudding!
Your older boy might enjoy a covert outing with Dad to shop for his own gift for the wee one. Gives Dad a chance to remind him that brothers are too special to hurt . . . not in a lecturely way but conversationally . The wee one probably is too young. Or determined, LOL.
As for the inflicting pain part, do either of them actually feel pained? Some don't but they act out because they know how we react to pain . . . just wondering.
Only suggestion I have is when they battle, separate them without saying a word to either and put them in separate bad boy boxes in opposite corners of the living room. Get yourself some earplugs first, though.
Do the crime, do the time.
Thank you Devon! Excellent suggestions. As for feeling pain. The little one does and we're still trying to determine if the older one actually does. Long process. Again thank you for the suggestions and I'm going to give the 'secret' missions a shot! :)
ReplyDeleteOne thing you've got going for you is that he's smart as a tree full of owls. Once you stumble onto the key to what he actually gets from the behaviour you likely could take the cerebral approach. I doubt he's able to articulate what that is, though. More people including me are mystified by why we do some things or react in certain ways. But we do know. It's just finding ways to examine our actions and what we really think about them. Way not easy . . . and it's a lifetime learning thing. Sure makes life interesting. D.
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