Here's another gripe.
When our youngest was entering kindergarten our school had an orientation day. Great idea!
However, it turned sour for us...temporarily.
Everything was going great. Our youngest was having a great time going from the gym to a classroom and then to his future classroom to meet his new teacher. Where it turned sour for us and our son was when the teacher who was taking us around (we weren't the only family either, it was an orientation for all new kindergarten students) introduced us to his new teacher. She should have said this is (insert child's name here) and his parents. What she said was this is (our son) and his ADOPTIVE parents. Why? What purpose does that serve? What if we were like some people, who back in the old days (man do I sound old. lol) didn't tell their children they were adopted? Now, with this person deciding that this was information that needed to be shared with not only the teacher but all the other kids and their families too, this person with the addition of one word, could have caused irreparable damage. I guess you could say that we were slightly annoyed and did speak to the lady about it after.
Another example: I have had a few people come to my support group and ask questions. Great! It's why we're there. One of the most 'popular' questions was, " When we do bring our child home how do we introduce them? Do we say, this is our new adopted son so and so? Do we say, this is our new adopted daughter that also happens to be asian?"
Well first off, if you're caucasian and your child is a different ethnicity than you, it's pretty evident that your new addition is from a different ethnicity. No need to point it out. If the people who are meeting your new family member know you were adopting, then again, you should have no need to point out that the child is 'your new ADOPTED son/daughter'. These, I fear, are the people looking for that 'saint' label. One of the people who asked me a question like this was definitely looking to adopt specifically for the recognition, by her own admittance.
This should never be the goal when people are looking into adoption. Adoption is for those who wish to build a family. It is not only for those who have infertility issues either. It is for people who love children and want to provide a loving family for a child who may not be having that experience or unable for whatever reason won't be able to have that with their birth family.
Adoption is just another word for family. So the next time you are with an adoptive family and have to introduce them to someone remember to drop the 'adoptive' part and focus on the family.
God Bless.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Why do people call me a....
A saint, or tell me how special I am, or tell me how lucky my kids are to have me? I'm the lucky one! No matter how much you might hear me complain about how hard things are, I'm still just like any one of you. You love and adore your kids, but you're allowed to be annoyed with them, so am I.
I'm telling you I don't like this.
If you are a biological parent do people say these things to you? My guess is no. So what makes me any different than a biological parent? I've had adoptees tell me I'm amazing, special, have the heart of a saint. I appreciate the appreciation. But what is it really for? I get this acclamation for wanting a family and choosing to build my family through adoption? We did try to have biological children too, it just wasn't meant to be. Adoption has been part of my life plan since I was 12 years old. My best friend, CJ, made this my plan. I met her on day one of Grade 7. She told me about her adoption and that was that. I knew then and there that I would adopt kids whether or not giving birth was possible. (Oh yeah, this beauty, also offered to be a surrogate for us. Too much love for her to even express. Saintly is a word for her, not me.)
Let me tell you something. Adoptive parents are not saints. We are not special. We are not any different than any other parent on the planet. Just because our kids weren't born of our bodies and carry our bloodlines, doesn't make them any less 'ours' than a child born to their biological families.
We are not special because we adopted kids with special needs; most first time adoptive parents going through a government agency are expected to fill out a form that says what these people are willing to take on for needs. They have to take courses in adoption preparation, they are expected to participate in workshops about all kinds of different special needs. In short, people think they are prepared for just about anything that a child can come with. It's a fallacy. We are not prepared in any way. Until you've lived with some of these issues you can't be prepared. There is no amount of research that can prepare someone for something like the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. It's called a spectrum for a reason. NO TWO PEOPLE AFFECTED BY FASD ARE EXACTLY ALIKE! Therefore, until you are in those shoes you can't honestly be prepared.
But still, people think that people who choose to adopt must be saintly because they are seeking out children with special needs. There is also a fallacy about private agencies only helping healthy, happy, 'normal' babies find homes. WRONG!
This is the goal I'm sure. But how many 16 year old pregnant and scared girls do you know that would admit to drinking or smoking pot when they are facing having to let go of their unborn child. A child that they would love to the ends of the earth and beyond, and will anyway, were it possible for them to parent their child? Not very many.
Why does it matter if a child is adopted or born and raised by their biological families? Every child has a chance of being born with special needs even if Mum is the poster Mum for pregnancy. I have a friend that was that poster Mum, and yet her child was born and diagnosed autistic. Are she and her husband saints now because they are raising a child with a special need they had no clue was coming?
My point is, adoptive families appreciate your congratulations on the arrival of our new family members. We appreciate you recognizing that we might be having a hard go of things at the moment, but please, please save the sainthood for someone who truly deserves it. We're no different than anyone else. We're living day to day, going through the good and the not so good and the down right bad, but we're just a regular family, just like you.
In case you're thinking that I'm holding on to a bone that is mine alone, I can assure you I'm not. This is something that puzzles a lot of families. In my 7 years of support groups for adoptive families that I facilitated this was brought up at almost every single meeting. It's kind of annoying. Oh, and if it's done in front of a child with the ability to understand, think about what you're saying to that child.
I guess, I should also say that there are a few adoptive parents out there that probably are glowing with pride about the sainthood given to them. ;)
God Bless.
I'm telling you I don't like this.
If you are a biological parent do people say these things to you? My guess is no. So what makes me any different than a biological parent? I've had adoptees tell me I'm amazing, special, have the heart of a saint. I appreciate the appreciation. But what is it really for? I get this acclamation for wanting a family and choosing to build my family through adoption? We did try to have biological children too, it just wasn't meant to be. Adoption has been part of my life plan since I was 12 years old. My best friend, CJ, made this my plan. I met her on day one of Grade 7. She told me about her adoption and that was that. I knew then and there that I would adopt kids whether or not giving birth was possible. (Oh yeah, this beauty, also offered to be a surrogate for us. Too much love for her to even express. Saintly is a word for her, not me.)
Let me tell you something. Adoptive parents are not saints. We are not special. We are not any different than any other parent on the planet. Just because our kids weren't born of our bodies and carry our bloodlines, doesn't make them any less 'ours' than a child born to their biological families.
We are not special because we adopted kids with special needs; most first time adoptive parents going through a government agency are expected to fill out a form that says what these people are willing to take on for needs. They have to take courses in adoption preparation, they are expected to participate in workshops about all kinds of different special needs. In short, people think they are prepared for just about anything that a child can come with. It's a fallacy. We are not prepared in any way. Until you've lived with some of these issues you can't be prepared. There is no amount of research that can prepare someone for something like the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. It's called a spectrum for a reason. NO TWO PEOPLE AFFECTED BY FASD ARE EXACTLY ALIKE! Therefore, until you are in those shoes you can't honestly be prepared.
But still, people think that people who choose to adopt must be saintly because they are seeking out children with special needs. There is also a fallacy about private agencies only helping healthy, happy, 'normal' babies find homes. WRONG!
This is the goal I'm sure. But how many 16 year old pregnant and scared girls do you know that would admit to drinking or smoking pot when they are facing having to let go of their unborn child. A child that they would love to the ends of the earth and beyond, and will anyway, were it possible for them to parent their child? Not very many.
Why does it matter if a child is adopted or born and raised by their biological families? Every child has a chance of being born with special needs even if Mum is the poster Mum for pregnancy. I have a friend that was that poster Mum, and yet her child was born and diagnosed autistic. Are she and her husband saints now because they are raising a child with a special need they had no clue was coming?
My point is, adoptive families appreciate your congratulations on the arrival of our new family members. We appreciate you recognizing that we might be having a hard go of things at the moment, but please, please save the sainthood for someone who truly deserves it. We're no different than anyone else. We're living day to day, going through the good and the not so good and the down right bad, but we're just a regular family, just like you.
In case you're thinking that I'm holding on to a bone that is mine alone, I can assure you I'm not. This is something that puzzles a lot of families. In my 7 years of support groups for adoptive families that I facilitated this was brought up at almost every single meeting. It's kind of annoying. Oh, and if it's done in front of a child with the ability to understand, think about what you're saying to that child.
I guess, I should also say that there are a few adoptive parents out there that probably are glowing with pride about the sainthood given to them. ;)
God Bless.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Catch Up Time....
Well let's catch up, shall we?
It is now May 2014 and I haven't written since January. Mostly because I haven't had time and when I have I have spent it trying to catch up on rest or helping my other families.
Well over the last few months life hasn't been great. It's been interesting and non stop drama/laughter/crying/sleep deprivation...etc.
So, where do I start? I guess we'll go with after Dee's party. It went so well. We had a blast. She was so thrilled about having the all girl party and that it was almost an English tea party. It was so cute.
Then February came and Valentine's Day. Wow. I have 3 kids that got quite upset that Mum and Dad only do the cards and gifts for eachother. I understand that most parents give their kids gifts and cards on Valentine's Day, but my hubby and I don't. It's one of the two days of the year that we use to celebrate our love. When the kids got home from school they were all loaded down with so many cards and little gifts from friends and classmates, that they actually said they were sorry for getting upset with us. It was cute.
March we had Spring Break. This was the first year my hubby got all 10 days off. We had so many plans to have day trips to do so many fun things together. Unfortunately our oldest decided that this was when he was going to go off the rails and destroy the holiday time. (When I say 'decided' I mean 'decided'. He openly admitted this was when he chose to let it all out.) The benefit of his actions was that after 5 years of begging for help, his actions finally got the medical community to listen to us. So now, we're waiting for the promised treatment to come to fruition. We're still waiting.
April rolled around and we had Easter. It was lovely. We had our typical easter egg hunt and watched the kids doing their hunt. It's always so fun to watch them race around laughing and playing together without any fuss.
Here we are in May. A couple of weeks ago I decided to make a commitment I'd been contemplating long and hard for a few years. My sister had called me one afternoon and was telling me about a show she was watching and that a lady on the show was trying to figure out how to save money on her child's wedding. So she went online and got ordained as a minister. She saved a buck on the clergy. So my sister said she'd been looking online to see if someone in our family could do the same thing, but it turns out it's only legal in the USA. It was me she wanted to do it because her son, my nephew is getting married next summer and she thought it would be cool if I could marry them. I liked the idea. So I went to work researching to see if I could find a way to do this for them. I did. Like I said this is something I had been contemplating for a few years. I found 2 churches that ordain ministers online. And you then have the credentials to marry, bury and baptize. So I checked it out at length and by that evening I applied, took the oath and received my credentials as an ordained Pastor! I, like my dad, have always considered myself a lay pastor and now I can actually perform ceremonies to unite people. Doing last rites and/or funerals won't be my thing. I will do baptisms and dedications. I know only the joyful ceremonies sounds kind of hypocritical but we'll see what happens. If God calls me then I have to answer. I'm proud to say that when I asked my nephew and his fiancee for the honour of marrying them they were shocked and thought I was joking but I assured them I wasn't, and they said they would be honoured to have me officiate their wedding. I can't wait!
So, now we just cope with the issues going on at home and wait for our son to get the help he needs and then we start the work in earnest to heal the tears in our family fabric.
No one said having a family was easy or all sunshine and lollipops, but it sure is worth it. Every. Single. Second. of. Every. Single. Day!
God Bless.
It is now May 2014 and I haven't written since January. Mostly because I haven't had time and when I have I have spent it trying to catch up on rest or helping my other families.
Well over the last few months life hasn't been great. It's been interesting and non stop drama/laughter/crying/sleep deprivation...etc.
So, where do I start? I guess we'll go with after Dee's party. It went so well. We had a blast. She was so thrilled about having the all girl party and that it was almost an English tea party. It was so cute.
Then February came and Valentine's Day. Wow. I have 3 kids that got quite upset that Mum and Dad only do the cards and gifts for eachother. I understand that most parents give their kids gifts and cards on Valentine's Day, but my hubby and I don't. It's one of the two days of the year that we use to celebrate our love. When the kids got home from school they were all loaded down with so many cards and little gifts from friends and classmates, that they actually said they were sorry for getting upset with us. It was cute.
March we had Spring Break. This was the first year my hubby got all 10 days off. We had so many plans to have day trips to do so many fun things together. Unfortunately our oldest decided that this was when he was going to go off the rails and destroy the holiday time. (When I say 'decided' I mean 'decided'. He openly admitted this was when he chose to let it all out.) The benefit of his actions was that after 5 years of begging for help, his actions finally got the medical community to listen to us. So now, we're waiting for the promised treatment to come to fruition. We're still waiting.
April rolled around and we had Easter. It was lovely. We had our typical easter egg hunt and watched the kids doing their hunt. It's always so fun to watch them race around laughing and playing together without any fuss.
Here we are in May. A couple of weeks ago I decided to make a commitment I'd been contemplating long and hard for a few years. My sister had called me one afternoon and was telling me about a show she was watching and that a lady on the show was trying to figure out how to save money on her child's wedding. So she went online and got ordained as a minister. She saved a buck on the clergy. So my sister said she'd been looking online to see if someone in our family could do the same thing, but it turns out it's only legal in the USA. It was me she wanted to do it because her son, my nephew is getting married next summer and she thought it would be cool if I could marry them. I liked the idea. So I went to work researching to see if I could find a way to do this for them. I did. Like I said this is something I had been contemplating for a few years. I found 2 churches that ordain ministers online. And you then have the credentials to marry, bury and baptize. So I checked it out at length and by that evening I applied, took the oath and received my credentials as an ordained Pastor! I, like my dad, have always considered myself a lay pastor and now I can actually perform ceremonies to unite people. Doing last rites and/or funerals won't be my thing. I will do baptisms and dedications. I know only the joyful ceremonies sounds kind of hypocritical but we'll see what happens. If God calls me then I have to answer. I'm proud to say that when I asked my nephew and his fiancee for the honour of marrying them they were shocked and thought I was joking but I assured them I wasn't, and they said they would be honoured to have me officiate their wedding. I can't wait!
So, now we just cope with the issues going on at home and wait for our son to get the help he needs and then we start the work in earnest to heal the tears in our family fabric.
No one said having a family was easy or all sunshine and lollipops, but it sure is worth it. Every. Single. Second. of. Every. Single. Day!
God Bless.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Ten Months In And...
Things are going quite well!
Sorry it's been so long, but I just haven't had the time or the inclination (if I'm honest) to write.
Let me fill you in a bit.
April 2013 we had our coming home party for our beautiful new daughter and it was a wonderful day. I'm pretty sure I wrote about it when it happened.
Since then we've had Easter, my husband's birthday, Mother's Day, our youngest son's 5th birthday, Father's Day, July 1st, a HUGE Family multiple birthdays celebration, Thanksgiving, Hallowe'en, Christmas, and New Year's Day. Whew! Sounds exhausting doesn't it? It was.
Our first Easter with our new Princess was absolutely adorable. Watching our two boys and our princess run around in their new Easter outfits hunting for easter eggs, was the most fun we'd had in a long time. We had so much fun watching the kids running, and laughing, and shouting "I found one!" was just the most joyful thing in the whole world. Watching our complete and truly happy family is something that will be emblazoned in my mind forever.
Then there were a few more occasions that went through equally exciting because they were all firsts with our beautiful new girl. Oh! Did I mention my girl is a fabulous artist with a fantastic generous, loving heart? Everyday since she came home she has made me a gift of some sort. Whether it's a picture she drew, or an ornament she decorated or a book she coloured, they were all for me, (and Daddy sometimes) and all from her. So sweet!
During the summer my sister had some of her family here from Norway. We have 4 birthdays that span the summer and we decided to have one big family birthday party for all of our birthdays so the family could be here to celebrate with us. Well, what a hoot! We decided on a western theme and a pig roast. Everyone dressed up like a cowboy or cowgirl and we had an authentic pig roast. It was a wonderful, long day.
During the rest of the summer we did family day trips, and played on beaches, played in our pool and hung out with friends and family letting our princess get to know everyone at her own pace. She was and is amazing.
Then we had a few more occasions and then came Christmas. What a joy and sight to behold. The kids were typical while opening their presents and playing. But dinner was what had us all. After we finished saying grace we heard a small, sweet little voice start singing; Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Jesus, Happy birthday to you. It had both me and my Mum in tears. So sweet to hear a little girl sing happy birthday to Jesus.
And just this past Saturday I got to live out one of my dreams. Since I was a young girl and had decided to adopt children (I made that decision when I was 12 because of my best friend whom I met on the first day of grade 7) I always dreamed of having an English tea party for her birthday. Since this was her first birthday with us I talked to her about it and explained what it was and would she like to do this. She said yes! I was so excited. I invited all the ladies in our family and threw my hubby and sons out of the house. NO BOYS ALLOWED! It was fabulous. We had little finger sandwiches, mini cupcakes, little squares, mini cream puffs and gallons of tea. I had a little bunny tea set for the birthday girl and her cousin who is only one year older and my Nanny's china set for the rest of us adults. Once we finished eating she opened her gifts and then we moved on to doing the craft. We made easter bonnets! They turned out so cute.
So, here we are just about 12 months since the day we met her and we are doing fine. Now I'm not saying it's been all sunshine and roses 'cause it hasn't been. There have been some very tough moments and harder days, but we're managing. The honeymoon period is definitely over. It still feels like she's been here forever, but that's a good thing. She has so many of the attributes and personality qualities of both my husband and I that we're not sure where she was the first 6 years of her life. She seems like she's been with us since day one.
Thank you all for reading and catching up. Now I'm off to help some other families through their wait.
God Bless you all.
Sorry it's been so long, but I just haven't had the time or the inclination (if I'm honest) to write.
Let me fill you in a bit.
April 2013 we had our coming home party for our beautiful new daughter and it was a wonderful day. I'm pretty sure I wrote about it when it happened.
Since then we've had Easter, my husband's birthday, Mother's Day, our youngest son's 5th birthday, Father's Day, July 1st, a HUGE Family multiple birthdays celebration, Thanksgiving, Hallowe'en, Christmas, and New Year's Day. Whew! Sounds exhausting doesn't it? It was.
Our first Easter with our new Princess was absolutely adorable. Watching our two boys and our princess run around in their new Easter outfits hunting for easter eggs, was the most fun we'd had in a long time. We had so much fun watching the kids running, and laughing, and shouting "I found one!" was just the most joyful thing in the whole world. Watching our complete and truly happy family is something that will be emblazoned in my mind forever.
Then there were a few more occasions that went through equally exciting because they were all firsts with our beautiful new girl. Oh! Did I mention my girl is a fabulous artist with a fantastic generous, loving heart? Everyday since she came home she has made me a gift of some sort. Whether it's a picture she drew, or an ornament she decorated or a book she coloured, they were all for me, (and Daddy sometimes) and all from her. So sweet!
During the summer my sister had some of her family here from Norway. We have 4 birthdays that span the summer and we decided to have one big family birthday party for all of our birthdays so the family could be here to celebrate with us. Well, what a hoot! We decided on a western theme and a pig roast. Everyone dressed up like a cowboy or cowgirl and we had an authentic pig roast. It was a wonderful, long day.
During the rest of the summer we did family day trips, and played on beaches, played in our pool and hung out with friends and family letting our princess get to know everyone at her own pace. She was and is amazing.
Then we had a few more occasions and then came Christmas. What a joy and sight to behold. The kids were typical while opening their presents and playing. But dinner was what had us all. After we finished saying grace we heard a small, sweet little voice start singing; Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Jesus, Happy birthday to you. It had both me and my Mum in tears. So sweet to hear a little girl sing happy birthday to Jesus.
And just this past Saturday I got to live out one of my dreams. Since I was a young girl and had decided to adopt children (I made that decision when I was 12 because of my best friend whom I met on the first day of grade 7) I always dreamed of having an English tea party for her birthday. Since this was her first birthday with us I talked to her about it and explained what it was and would she like to do this. She said yes! I was so excited. I invited all the ladies in our family and threw my hubby and sons out of the house. NO BOYS ALLOWED! It was fabulous. We had little finger sandwiches, mini cupcakes, little squares, mini cream puffs and gallons of tea. I had a little bunny tea set for the birthday girl and her cousin who is only one year older and my Nanny's china set for the rest of us adults. Once we finished eating she opened her gifts and then we moved on to doing the craft. We made easter bonnets! They turned out so cute.
So, here we are just about 12 months since the day we met her and we are doing fine. Now I'm not saying it's been all sunshine and roses 'cause it hasn't been. There have been some very tough moments and harder days, but we're managing. The honeymoon period is definitely over. It still feels like she's been here forever, but that's a good thing. She has so many of the attributes and personality qualities of both my husband and I that we're not sure where she was the first 6 years of her life. She seems like she's been with us since day one.
Thank you all for reading and catching up. Now I'm off to help some other families through their wait.
God Bless you all.
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