A saint, or tell me how special I am, or tell me how lucky my kids are to have me? I'm the lucky one! No matter how much you might hear me complain about how hard things are, I'm still just like any one of you. You love and adore your kids, but you're allowed to be annoyed with them, so am I.
I'm telling you I don't like this.
If you are a biological parent do people say these things to you? My guess is no. So what makes me any different than a biological parent? I've had adoptees tell me I'm amazing, special, have the heart of a saint. I appreciate the appreciation. But what is it really for? I get this acclamation for wanting a family and choosing to build my family through adoption? We did try to have biological children too, it just wasn't meant to be. Adoption has been part of my life plan since I was 12 years old. My best friend, CJ, made this my plan. I met her on day one of Grade 7. She told me about her adoption and that was that. I knew then and there that I would adopt kids whether or not giving birth was possible. (Oh yeah, this beauty, also offered to be a surrogate for us. Too much love for her to even express. Saintly is a word for her, not me.)
Let me tell you something. Adoptive parents are not saints. We are not special. We are not any different than any other parent on the planet. Just because our kids weren't born of our bodies and carry our bloodlines, doesn't make them any less 'ours' than a child born to their biological families.
We are not special because we adopted kids with special needs; most first time adoptive parents going through a government agency are expected to fill out a form that says what these people are willing to take on for needs. They have to take courses in adoption preparation, they are expected to participate in workshops about all kinds of different special needs. In short, people think they are prepared for just about anything that a child can come with. It's a fallacy. We are not prepared in any way. Until you've lived with some of these issues you can't be prepared. There is no amount of research that can prepare someone for something like the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. It's called a spectrum for a reason. NO TWO PEOPLE AFFECTED BY FASD ARE EXACTLY ALIKE! Therefore, until you are in those shoes you can't honestly be prepared.
But still, people think that people who choose to adopt must be saintly because they are seeking out children with special needs. There is also a fallacy about private agencies only helping healthy, happy, 'normal' babies find homes. WRONG!
This is the goal I'm sure. But how many 16 year old pregnant and scared girls do you know that would admit to drinking or smoking pot when they are facing having to let go of their unborn child. A child that they would love to the ends of the earth and beyond, and will anyway, were it possible for them to parent their child? Not very many.
Why does it matter if a child is adopted or born and raised by their biological families? Every child has a chance of being born with special needs even if Mum is the poster Mum for pregnancy. I have a friend that was that poster Mum, and yet her child was born and diagnosed autistic. Are she and her husband saints now because they are raising a child with a special need they had no clue was coming?
My point is, adoptive families appreciate your congratulations on the arrival of our new family members. We appreciate you recognizing that we might be having a hard go of things at the moment, but please, please save the sainthood for someone who truly deserves it. We're no different than anyone else. We're living day to day, going through the good and the not so good and the down right bad, but we're just a regular family, just like you.
In case you're thinking that I'm holding on to a bone that is mine alone, I can assure you I'm not. This is something that puzzles a lot of families. In my 7 years of support groups for adoptive families that I facilitated this was brought up at almost every single meeting. It's kind of annoying. Oh, and if it's done in front of a child with the ability to understand, think about what you're saying to that child.
I guess, I should also say that there are a few adoptive parents out there that probably are glowing with pride about the sainthood given to them. ;)
God Bless.
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