Thursday, May 25, 2017

The Untruthful Child


Hello Again!

Today's topic is one that is difficult to explain and live.

The untruthful child. All children tell tales, untruths, lies, right? Of course they do. But what do you do when that is all the child does?

Let's look at what I'm classifying as an 'untruthful' child.

This isn't just telling little white lies, or even big ones in order to get out of trouble. This, of course, is a big part of it. The bigger part is the child that will not accept responsibility for his/her actions, especially when those actions hurt someone else. This child always blames the victim or someone who was never a part of the situation. 

This is the child that needs therapy/counseling and when it's provided makes sure that the conversation never gets focused on them or the true reason for the sessions. 

This is the child that can convince anyone that they are always telling God's honest truth while fabricating an entire scenario out of thin air. And, that scenario has absolutely nothing to do with the child. They throw someone else under the bus, so to speak.

For a child like this to benefit from therapy of any kind, they first have to acknowledge there is an issue. Their issue. They have to take ownership of their words, thoughts, and actions. Then they have to want to change and become a truthful person. They have to understand that with change also comes consequences and rewards. They have to want that.

Right now I have an untruthful child. I have just found out that my child is speaking with a school counselor (I knew that part) about a sibling and their issues. This is not why the school provided my child with a counselor. The school provided my child with a counselor to help my child see and understand that their actions at school are not appropriate. We, the child's parents, also teach this at home but we all know that children don't always listen to their parents.

So, what do you do with the untruthful child that refuses to change their ways?

In this family mental and physical health professionals are always going to be involved. So the question arises; who needs to know what? Not every professional needs to know all aspects. For instance, does the school counselor need to know about one siblings issues when they have no bearing on the child seeing the counselor? The child seeing the counselor brings up the sibling and their issues to divert the conversation from themselves. The counselor needs to know that the child they are dealing with does this, but do they need to know about the sibling that was used as a diversionary tactic? My answer to that is no. 

What do you do if you explain what your child does to the counselor and the counselor asks to know more about the sibling? Do you share that child's story? Do you explain that there is a family therapist that is dealing with those issues? I don't think the child's story is anyone's business but those who need to know to help that child and the family. 

As I stated, the untruthful child will use anyone and anything to divert blame and conversation away from themselves. 

If the people in an assessment facility had listened to my husband and I when we explained about our untruthful child, and how that if that child were an actor our home would be overflowing with Oscars, we might not be in the situation we are today. But they didn't. The confirmed for our child that their behaviour was acceptable because they didn't see it. They were given the tools to see through the child; not only by us, but by other professionals dealing with the child, and they chose to ignore all of us. They became part of the problem not part of the solution.

If you are a professional that deals with these types of issues, listen to the parents. Hear what the parents are telling you about the child you are trying to help. If you don't, you're not going to do anything more than affirm to the untruthful child that they can keep doing what they're doing and get away with it. 

God Bless and Have a Wonderful Day!

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Living With Rages

Hello! 

It's certainly been awhile since we last chatted, hasn't it?

Well, I thought with people watching the documentary "The Boy They Call Chucky" and commenting on my comment and on my blog post, that maybe it was time for a new post. 

With the thought of this young boy fresh in my mind I feel I should write a little about my family's struggles with living with a child like 'Chucky'. 

As I pointed out in my post about this documentary, my family lives with a child like him.

Since we last chatted our child has declined even more. What upsets me the most is the lack of services for children and families like this. Now let me be clear, it's not that the services don't exist, it's that if your child has a complex diagnosis (meaning more than one with possible different causes), it is difficult to get even one service to accept responsibility for providing the needed service(s). 

I can tell you that in our case (and that of many of the families I have worked with) we have specific services (ie. mental health) that are desperately needed for our child. We are being bounced from organization (read: government agency) to organization and receiving nothing. We are constantly being told we have to place our child in a facility for assessment (this facility provides only assessments, it does not provide follow up or treatment services) when all the same assessments have just been completed, and they were all set up by the same organization that has the facility! The facility placement would be redundant. 

We need a specific type of therapist for our child and this is where the battle is focused. I am achieving a reputation for being assertive (read: witch with a different first letter) simply because I won't back down and stop trying to get my child the help that is needed. You see, it's not just help for the child, but for our whole family. Our 'Chucky' is abusive to all of us, so helping that child will benefit all of us. We do see a family therapist for coping strategies and to keep the rest of us as healthy mentally as possible. But, when you're living in a war zone... 

So how does one survive? Well, you take what you can get. Like I said we have a family therapist. We don't hold back in those sessions. We are brutally honest. If you aren't you won't be helped. It's a choice you have to make. See a therapist and share only what you think is polite, or be completely open and vulnerable and accept the help that is being offered. Our therapist has been a God send. We haven't been able to see her for a couple of months for reasons beyond our control, but we are just about to start up again. And believe me, we are all happy to be going back. Our therapist gave us the tools to get us through the last couple of months cohesively, as one unit. Thank you so much Dr. S.

So, in the moment, how do you live IN the rage? You do whatever is necessary to protect the child in the rage, preventing them from self-harm, and protecting anyone and everyone in the vicinity. Depending on the age and strength of the child, you may need to call in emergency medical resources (ie. ambulance w/paramedics), legal assistance (ie. police), or simply another adult to help remove the child from the situation/area, or to help restrain the child. Whichever you have to do, you do. But in the back of your mind you must keep the thought of all of your reactions to the rage must be for the safety of all involved. You must use the least amount of 'force' necessary. You do not want to hurt anyone.

One of the things I hear a lot from people looking in from the outside is, "Oh that poor child. They can't help themselves." Ok. I used to think that way too. However, you aren't on the inside. On the inside you can see how quite often the rage is a choice. How do you know it's a choice? When they can be in a full blown, kicking down doors (literally), screaming, and hitting, and walk out the door and instantly, and I do mean instantly, stop and go to school skipping and singing, that rage was a choice. Take those hours the child is at school to participate in your self-care. For one simple reason; the rage will more than likely begin again as soon as one foot is in the door after school. Exhibiting such control over one's emotions shows choice. But not every rage is a choice there are times when the child really can't help it, and it's obvious to the primary caregiver(s).

Most people would say that the child that rages at home but not out in the world, views the home as their 'safe space'. True. However, sometimes it's not the correct answer. Our child actually views our home as the place with the people that took them away from their 'real' family. Our child spent the first 6 years of life between birth family and a foster family. By the time the child was 2 years old they were with the foster family until we came along. The child misses those people. That's understandable. Unfortunately, the child doesn't like our home and family because we refuse to inflict the abuse that family did. (One of them is now in jail for it.) Being so young when entering into a world like that, that is what is NORMAL to the child. They know nothing different. So it wouldn't have mattered who adopted this child for these behaviors to come out. Most of the time the rage is not personal against us, but more against the conflicting feelings the child is experiencing. There are times when it IS personal as well. Even knowing the reasoning behind the rages, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. When you are subjected to these rages on a regular basis it changes you, the family. That's why therapy is an integral part of living with someone who has rages.

Even with therapy there are going to be times when your own emotions are going to take over and be somewhat out of control. The trick there is to recognize it and get out of the situation as fast as possible. It can be done. I've done it myself.

I'm going to close here. I welcome all comments and questions.
I know that not everyone could hang on as long as we have, if you take nothing else from this take this, do what's right for you, your child, and your family.

God Bless and Have a beautiful day.