I'll share with you some adoption poems that I found on the net. These say what I feel so much more eloquently than I can.
1. Miracle
You first came to us in an envelope
With letters, forms and such
Just two tiny little pictures
With nothing warm to touch.
You grew in our imagination
In our hearts and in our minds.
You brought us greater joy
Than we ever thought we’d find.
A phone call started labor pains
Which lasted ’til we met
Strangers brought together
A day we won’t forget.
You bloomed as you were planned
In our hearts, our lives, our home.
Our child of chance, of plan, of will
You’re now our very own.....
--
- unknown
2. To You, Our Adopted Son
Adoption is part of God's original plan,
It's not an idea particular to man.
We're all adopted children.
Adoption is God's way of leaving
His heavenly door open.
He first gave us life,
He's parent to all.
Before He made you,
He gave us a call.
He said, "Soon a child will be born,
Without you this child will grow up forlorn."
We didn't understand at first the magnificent love
in our hearts that burst.
As days merged with years,
We shared your happiness and dried your tears.
He gave us wisdom and taught us to see,
that His most precious gifts are free.
We've shared so many rainbows and rains,
And even though our blood doesn't run in your veins,
we want you to know that from the moment
we answered His decree,
You captured our hearts for all eternity.
Our love for you can only be measured
by the expanse of the sky
and the depth of the sea.....
---Unknown
3. Family Tree
We've added to our family tree,
a stronger one to make...
A child from another plant,
has become our new namesake.
Just as a limb is grafted
from one tree to another...
It alters and improves the plant,
making it uniquely, like no other.
Our family tree has been improved,
adoption made this so...
For love, much more than bloodlines,
makes us thrive and grow.
We chose to share our life and love,
and all the joys to come...
Our "Family Tree" has blossomed,
with the arrival of our son.....
---Unknown
These are 3 of my very favorite adoption poems. They speak right to the heart of me. These are the ones I chose for my boys, my sons. Hopefully one day I'll have the talent to write my own poems for all of my children, known and not yet known.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Waiting...
Making the decision to adopt can be a very trying experience. Especially if you're part of a couple and you're the part that really wants to and knows in your heart of hearts that adopting is what you are meant to do. It's especially trying when you have a partner that isn't as convinced as you are and you have to find a way to gently let them know that you're deadly serious about it.
The entire adoption process from deciding to adopt to getting your child(ren) is one heck of a roller coaster. It's like going from elation to total despair.
I've briefly outlined the process for you before so I won't go through it again. (If someone wants me to just leave me a comment and I will) But suffice it to say that each step of the process has it's highs and lows.
Now that the hubby and I are in the waiting stage, some approved and waiting families call it 'expecting', it's a daily roller coaster ride. In the space of 24 hours you can be lifted so high because your adoption social worker calls or emails you about a non identifying profile of a child or sibling group, and then you find out that you're not the family that was chosen. You are immediately plummeted so far down that it feels like being pushed out of a perfectly good airplane without a parachute! Or the alternative is that you don't hear from your worker in what feels like forever and that just helps to keep you feeling low.
So how do we deal with these highs and lows? Well each family has their own way of coping.
In my family we remind each other daily that we know our children are coming, but it isn't up to us with the timing. It's all a part of God's divine plan for us and we have to be patient and heed His call when it comes.
In our first waiting stage before son #1 came along, I had a standing joke that I was the worst mother in the world. I didn't know where my child was, if he/she was OK, or even what he/she looked like! It helped me to remember that everything happens all in HIS good time.
That's not to say that it makes it easier, it doesn't. We have to find other ways not to dwell on the situation. We focus on the kids we have now. Our boys are our pride and joy. Homeschooling helps me, because I have to be so focused on son #1 that I don't have time to think of anything else. Having an exuberant 2 year old takes up any focus that isn't strictly on the 7 year old.
But what do people do who are first time adopters and don't have any children at home to focus on? Well, some people I know get involved in community groups. Some people volunteer at hospitals, old age homes, daycare centres or at the library for story telling. The point is when you find yourself going crazy because you're not hearing anything or hearing about anyone that seems like a possible good match for you, you must find a way of distracting yourself.
This blog is helping me this time too. I hope I'm not boring the pants of f of anyone who's reading it.
If there's a particular topic related to special needs, or adoption, or children or the whole process that you'd like me to share about then please feel free to leave me a comment and I'll get right on it for you. :)
For now it's time to get ready for bed. My boys like to wake up early and tomorrow is a school day! :)
The entire adoption process from deciding to adopt to getting your child(ren) is one heck of a roller coaster. It's like going from elation to total despair.
I've briefly outlined the process for you before so I won't go through it again. (If someone wants me to just leave me a comment and I will) But suffice it to say that each step of the process has it's highs and lows.
Now that the hubby and I are in the waiting stage, some approved and waiting families call it 'expecting', it's a daily roller coaster ride. In the space of 24 hours you can be lifted so high because your adoption social worker calls or emails you about a non identifying profile of a child or sibling group, and then you find out that you're not the family that was chosen. You are immediately plummeted so far down that it feels like being pushed out of a perfectly good airplane without a parachute! Or the alternative is that you don't hear from your worker in what feels like forever and that just helps to keep you feeling low.
So how do we deal with these highs and lows? Well each family has their own way of coping.
In my family we remind each other daily that we know our children are coming, but it isn't up to us with the timing. It's all a part of God's divine plan for us and we have to be patient and heed His call when it comes.
In our first waiting stage before son #1 came along, I had a standing joke that I was the worst mother in the world. I didn't know where my child was, if he/she was OK, or even what he/she looked like! It helped me to remember that everything happens all in HIS good time.
That's not to say that it makes it easier, it doesn't. We have to find other ways not to dwell on the situation. We focus on the kids we have now. Our boys are our pride and joy. Homeschooling helps me, because I have to be so focused on son #1 that I don't have time to think of anything else. Having an exuberant 2 year old takes up any focus that isn't strictly on the 7 year old.
But what do people do who are first time adopters and don't have any children at home to focus on? Well, some people I know get involved in community groups. Some people volunteer at hospitals, old age homes, daycare centres or at the library for story telling. The point is when you find yourself going crazy because you're not hearing anything or hearing about anyone that seems like a possible good match for you, you must find a way of distracting yourself.
This blog is helping me this time too. I hope I'm not boring the pants of f of anyone who's reading it.
If there's a particular topic related to special needs, or adoption, or children or the whole process that you'd like me to share about then please feel free to leave me a comment and I'll get right on it for you. :)
For now it's time to get ready for bed. My boys like to wake up early and tomorrow is a school day! :)
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Today was a Good Day...
I'm sitting here trying to decide what to tell you about today. It wasn't that interesting of a day. Which in and of itself is really a good thing!
I'm still under the weather, and I was disappointed not to be able to take the kids and go to our community's Adoption Awareness Event at the gymnastics academy, but we had an uneventful day. Why should that make me happy? Well....there were no melt downs, no crashes, no major crying jags, and no temper tantrums.
There was joyful playing, baking of cookies (which is something I haven't done in about 13 years! I'm the world's worst baker) with the oldest boy, enjoying of warm chocolate chunk cookies and milk by the youngest boy. The oldest who helped make them decided he didn't like them because the chocolate was square not chip form. OCD is such a joy! NOT! The same chocolate chip cookies but the chocolate is a different shape and therefore they are not good. Hmph! So he had milk. That annoyed me. Why make cookies that the boy won't eat because the chocolate is the wrong shape? Oh well we'll make the right ones another day.
The youngest had a good day. He was happy all day and was super excited that his Nana was here for the better part of the day. She's his favorite person in the whole world...next to daddy. I come in a close 4th I think. Right after his big brother.
So right before we made the cookies, I asked Nana to run to the supermarket for me for a couple of key ingredients for my slow cooker chili that I had decided to make at 12:30 this afternoon. Son #1 went with her. When they got back I asked him if he'd like to help me make the chili. He said OK. I said great! Can you chop the onions for me? NO! Was the reply. I asked him why not? He said I don't want to cry. I laughed and told him that that was the reason I asked him to do it for me. He wasn't amused. So I cut up the onions and tossed them in the crock pot, along with the ground beef, pork cubes, diced canned tomatoes, 2 cans of kidney beans (liquid and all), 2 cans of tomato paste, chili powder, chili flakes, hot sauce, Worcestershire sauce, sea salt and about 1/4 cup of granulated sugar. I usually put in cayenne pepper too, but I forgot. I also put in a large can of Hunt's Spaghetti Sauce Rich and Spicy. I don't know why I did that today. I usually use 2 cans of condensed tomato soup. I had that, but for some reason grabbed the spaghetti sauce instead. Oh well it turned out good and tomorrow I'll add spaghetti noodles to it and bake it with cheese in the oven and we'll have a high fibre, high protein pasta.
When I make chili I like to use fresh tomatoes rather than canned but I didn't have any. I rather like cooking with all fresh ingredients but it's now the time of year I turn to a lot of canned and frozen things in order to make my staples. Funny thing about this particular batch of chili, son #1 ate it and apparently liked it! First time too. Maybe it was because I didn't put cheese and sour cream in his. Hmmm. I put sour cream in almost all my tomato based dishes and it's just wonderful. Son #2 LOVED the chili tonight but I suspect it was because of the spaghetti sauce type taste. The kid is a spaghetti fiend. LOL
After dinner, boys both got ready for bed and went off to dreamland a little early. Now it's time for the grown ups to enjoy some time alone together. So what are we doing? Well hubby is on the computer and I'm about to watch Most Haunted. I'm a ghost story lover.
Today has been a good day. Even this illness didn't bring me down. Have a great night and we'll chat again soon. :)
I'm still under the weather, and I was disappointed not to be able to take the kids and go to our community's Adoption Awareness Event at the gymnastics academy, but we had an uneventful day. Why should that make me happy? Well....there were no melt downs, no crashes, no major crying jags, and no temper tantrums.
There was joyful playing, baking of cookies (which is something I haven't done in about 13 years! I'm the world's worst baker) with the oldest boy, enjoying of warm chocolate chunk cookies and milk by the youngest boy. The oldest who helped make them decided he didn't like them because the chocolate was square not chip form. OCD is such a joy! NOT! The same chocolate chip cookies but the chocolate is a different shape and therefore they are not good. Hmph! So he had milk. That annoyed me. Why make cookies that the boy won't eat because the chocolate is the wrong shape? Oh well we'll make the right ones another day.
The youngest had a good day. He was happy all day and was super excited that his Nana was here for the better part of the day. She's his favorite person in the whole world...next to daddy. I come in a close 4th I think. Right after his big brother.
So right before we made the cookies, I asked Nana to run to the supermarket for me for a couple of key ingredients for my slow cooker chili that I had decided to make at 12:30 this afternoon. Son #1 went with her. When they got back I asked him if he'd like to help me make the chili. He said OK. I said great! Can you chop the onions for me? NO! Was the reply. I asked him why not? He said I don't want to cry. I laughed and told him that that was the reason I asked him to do it for me. He wasn't amused. So I cut up the onions and tossed them in the crock pot, along with the ground beef, pork cubes, diced canned tomatoes, 2 cans of kidney beans (liquid and all), 2 cans of tomato paste, chili powder, chili flakes, hot sauce, Worcestershire sauce, sea salt and about 1/4 cup of granulated sugar. I usually put in cayenne pepper too, but I forgot. I also put in a large can of Hunt's Spaghetti Sauce Rich and Spicy. I don't know why I did that today. I usually use 2 cans of condensed tomato soup. I had that, but for some reason grabbed the spaghetti sauce instead. Oh well it turned out good and tomorrow I'll add spaghetti noodles to it and bake it with cheese in the oven and we'll have a high fibre, high protein pasta.
When I make chili I like to use fresh tomatoes rather than canned but I didn't have any. I rather like cooking with all fresh ingredients but it's now the time of year I turn to a lot of canned and frozen things in order to make my staples. Funny thing about this particular batch of chili, son #1 ate it and apparently liked it! First time too. Maybe it was because I didn't put cheese and sour cream in his. Hmmm. I put sour cream in almost all my tomato based dishes and it's just wonderful. Son #2 LOVED the chili tonight but I suspect it was because of the spaghetti sauce type taste. The kid is a spaghetti fiend. LOL
After dinner, boys both got ready for bed and went off to dreamland a little early. Now it's time for the grown ups to enjoy some time alone together. So what are we doing? Well hubby is on the computer and I'm about to watch Most Haunted. I'm a ghost story lover.
Today has been a good day. Even this illness didn't bring me down. Have a great night and we'll chat again soon. :)
Friday, November 26, 2010
Frustration, Joy and Sadness and back to Joy...
It's been a rough couple of days. I'm sick and I have 2 children who for some reason have decided that when I speak I sound like Charlie Brown's teacher. Wah wah wah wah. I swear that's all they hear. Ok so the 2 year is a cheeky imp and I don't actually expect him to do ANYTHING I ask, and the 7 year old is really 17 inside. So you know that he's NOT listening. These are trials and tribulations that are not unique to adoptive parents. They are universal. I just wish I knew how to circumnavigate these waters I find myself in!
The 7 year old is homeschooling. Term 1 is over on December 6th and we're behind. Now I wouldn't mind being behind if it was because he had some neurological issue that proved he just wasn't capable or had a diminished mental academic capacity, (I know there are certain folks out there right now shaking their finger at me and saying your child has FASD of course he HAS a neurological issue that causes diminished capabilities.) but he doesn't. Yes he has FASD, but academically he is off the charts smart! That's not just me being a proud Mama either, it's been proven. He can and does speak in complete logical sequences without issue. So why won't he do his schoolwork? He's shown me time and time again that the work is actually easy for him, so I know he's bored. I change things up to provide a challenge for him and he shuts down. He doesn't want to have to think of the answers. It's frustrating. For him and me.
Side note* Just in case you're sitting there thinking that I push my child too hard in things that he may not be capable of doing, let me reassure that I don't. The things I encourage him to do better at, he has shown in his way, and in his time that he can. Those things that he can't do, we/I give him positive reinforcement that he is doing his very best and that we/I am so proud of him.. All of my encouragement is just that, encouragement. I believe that a child will want to succeed when he is encouraged with tonnes of praise for his accomplishments and efforts. Consequences must be logical and understood by the child or you're accomplishing nothing but lowering their self esteem.
So it's been a rough couple of days getting my children to do anything constructive. The 2 year old is always happy, but always into mischief! He is in the terrible two's harder than I've seen any child go through. lol My 7 year old didn't have a terrible two stage so this is completely foreign to me! But as frustrating as it can be it's also a tonne of fun!
My 7/17 year old is going through his terrible two's now too. That's not uncommon from what I've heard. A child like my oldest came from such a strict routine that he didn't know how to cut loose and have fun when he was 2. It took us 6 months to convince him that his toys were to play with and not sit on a shelf and look nice. He used to get so upset with his Dad and I for taking his toys off the shelves and sit on his bedroom floor and play. He hated it. He would patiently take each toy from us and place it back on the shelf exactly where it had come from. So precisely that it had to be within a millimetre of where it had been! Eventually he came around to wanting to play with the toys. That was an extremely happy day for all of us!
My kids are my greatest joy, my greatest frustration, and my greatest sadness. Their rough start in life breaks my heart. Because of their start in life the frustrations arise because of what was done to them, but it is also because of their start in life that my greatest joy is seeing them overcome the odds that were handed to them!
So with the frustrations, I remind myself that within the next 30 seconds one of them or both of them, is going to do something to turn that frustration into sheer joy!
The 7 year old is homeschooling. Term 1 is over on December 6th and we're behind. Now I wouldn't mind being behind if it was because he had some neurological issue that proved he just wasn't capable or had a diminished mental academic capacity, (I know there are certain folks out there right now shaking their finger at me and saying your child has FASD of course he HAS a neurological issue that causes diminished capabilities.) but he doesn't. Yes he has FASD, but academically he is off the charts smart! That's not just me being a proud Mama either, it's been proven. He can and does speak in complete logical sequences without issue. So why won't he do his schoolwork? He's shown me time and time again that the work is actually easy for him, so I know he's bored. I change things up to provide a challenge for him and he shuts down. He doesn't want to have to think of the answers. It's frustrating. For him and me.
Side note* Just in case you're sitting there thinking that I push my child too hard in things that he may not be capable of doing, let me reassure that I don't. The things I encourage him to do better at, he has shown in his way, and in his time that he can. Those things that he can't do, we/I give him positive reinforcement that he is doing his very best and that we/I am so proud of him.. All of my encouragement is just that, encouragement. I believe that a child will want to succeed when he is encouraged with tonnes of praise for his accomplishments and efforts. Consequences must be logical and understood by the child or you're accomplishing nothing but lowering their self esteem.
So it's been a rough couple of days getting my children to do anything constructive. The 2 year old is always happy, but always into mischief! He is in the terrible two's harder than I've seen any child go through. lol My 7 year old didn't have a terrible two stage so this is completely foreign to me! But as frustrating as it can be it's also a tonne of fun!
My 7/17 year old is going through his terrible two's now too. That's not uncommon from what I've heard. A child like my oldest came from such a strict routine that he didn't know how to cut loose and have fun when he was 2. It took us 6 months to convince him that his toys were to play with and not sit on a shelf and look nice. He used to get so upset with his Dad and I for taking his toys off the shelves and sit on his bedroom floor and play. He hated it. He would patiently take each toy from us and place it back on the shelf exactly where it had come from. So precisely that it had to be within a millimetre of where it had been! Eventually he came around to wanting to play with the toys. That was an extremely happy day for all of us!
My kids are my greatest joy, my greatest frustration, and my greatest sadness. Their rough start in life breaks my heart. Because of their start in life the frustrations arise because of what was done to them, but it is also because of their start in life that my greatest joy is seeing them overcome the odds that were handed to them!
So with the frustrations, I remind myself that within the next 30 seconds one of them or both of them, is going to do something to turn that frustration into sheer joy!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Support Pre Adoption
Today I thought I'd talk to you about support.
Support in your journey through adoption is so important. It's important to have a really good support network.
When we think about our support networks we automatically think of friends and family. They're good. They're great even, but what do they know about adoption?
Now don't get me wrong, we all need the love and support of our family and friends, but you'll find through out your journey that if these very important people in your life haven't walked this same journey, there is a lot of things they won't understand. They'll think they do, but honestly they can't.
For those of you who know me, you know that I facilitate a support group for pre and post adoptive families. This is a group I've been heading up for 4 years now. I love my group. Several times a year hubby and I get ready to go to our meeting and think maybe tonight no one will show up, then we get an impromptu date night! You know that's never happened?! That's because there's always someone who needs the group. Anyway, I love my group. The faces have changed every so often. We've had people come who really needed our type of support and when their situation got better or resolved they stopped coming, but we never forget them. We've had families come for one or two meetings and decide that our type of support isn't for them, and that's OK too. My point is everyone needs support at one time or another.
Our support group is continually changing and growing. I love that! I love that even though I'm the facilitator, I get support when I need it too. I'm hoping that eventually groups like mine will be kind of required when adopting.
I believe that it's extremely important to have a good support system in place before you bring home your child(ren). Not just family and friends, but new friends who are where you are or have been where you are. People who truly get what you're going to go through when you bring home your child. In my group right now we have families that are all going through the Ministry of Children and Families Development for their adoptions.
We're almost all at the same place right now. Waiting! We have some families who are just finished the AEP, and are now starting their homestudy phase. Those of us who are approved and waiting have been where those families are. We can help them through the roller coaster that is the homestudy. We're a pretty tight group right now. I can honestly say that I have made some very very good friends through this group.
So because we're all going through MCFD we all know that we're adopting special needs children. Most likely. Because my husband and I have adopted twice already (we're the only ones right now that have previously adopted) we're able to give some insight on the waiting and what types of children are usually available through the ministry.
When you know you're open to adopting special needs there are certain things that someone who hasn't travelled this path just can't completely understand. They can empathize but they don't really know what it's like and how it can be on a day to day basis.
Being in a group of people who have done and are doing what you're doing can be truly refreshing and relaxing. You can spill your heartaches and your joys and know that someone in that room is going to say, "I hear ya!" and you know they do.
So if you're considering adoption contact the Adoptive Families Association of BC and ask about support groups in your area. You can also ask your adoption social worker. Whether you're going through MCFD or one of BC's private licensed agencies, there is a support group for you.
Support in your journey through adoption is so important. It's important to have a really good support network.
When we think about our support networks we automatically think of friends and family. They're good. They're great even, but what do they know about adoption?
Now don't get me wrong, we all need the love and support of our family and friends, but you'll find through out your journey that if these very important people in your life haven't walked this same journey, there is a lot of things they won't understand. They'll think they do, but honestly they can't.
For those of you who know me, you know that I facilitate a support group for pre and post adoptive families. This is a group I've been heading up for 4 years now. I love my group. Several times a year hubby and I get ready to go to our meeting and think maybe tonight no one will show up, then we get an impromptu date night! You know that's never happened?! That's because there's always someone who needs the group. Anyway, I love my group. The faces have changed every so often. We've had people come who really needed our type of support and when their situation got better or resolved they stopped coming, but we never forget them. We've had families come for one or two meetings and decide that our type of support isn't for them, and that's OK too. My point is everyone needs support at one time or another.
Our support group is continually changing and growing. I love that! I love that even though I'm the facilitator, I get support when I need it too. I'm hoping that eventually groups like mine will be kind of required when adopting.
I believe that it's extremely important to have a good support system in place before you bring home your child(ren). Not just family and friends, but new friends who are where you are or have been where you are. People who truly get what you're going to go through when you bring home your child. In my group right now we have families that are all going through the Ministry of Children and Families Development for their adoptions.
We're almost all at the same place right now. Waiting! We have some families who are just finished the AEP, and are now starting their homestudy phase. Those of us who are approved and waiting have been where those families are. We can help them through the roller coaster that is the homestudy. We're a pretty tight group right now. I can honestly say that I have made some very very good friends through this group.
So because we're all going through MCFD we all know that we're adopting special needs children. Most likely. Because my husband and I have adopted twice already (we're the only ones right now that have previously adopted) we're able to give some insight on the waiting and what types of children are usually available through the ministry.
When you know you're open to adopting special needs there are certain things that someone who hasn't travelled this path just can't completely understand. They can empathize but they don't really know what it's like and how it can be on a day to day basis.
Being in a group of people who have done and are doing what you're doing can be truly refreshing and relaxing. You can spill your heartaches and your joys and know that someone in that room is going to say, "I hear ya!" and you know they do.
So if you're considering adoption contact the Adoptive Families Association of BC and ask about support groups in your area. You can also ask your adoption social worker. Whether you're going through MCFD or one of BC's private licensed agencies, there is a support group for you.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
A New Discovery...for me
Welcome to Tuesday! It's been a day. A weird kind of day. A day I haven't figured out yet what really happened.
It started out like any other Tuesday. We got up, hubby got ready for work, I did my computer morning routine, and then the kids get up.
Son #1 gets his breakfast, son #2 gets his, and then son #1 starts his school work. Well it was a Tuesday morning like any other Tuesday morning. Hubby left for work and that's when things went sideways, or maybe pear shaped. I'm not sure.
So the kids and I are usually attended by my Mum on weekdays so that son #2 is occupied while I tend to son #1 for his homeschooling. Well with our snow fall yesterday Nana isn't able to get to us and I can't go get her because hubby's transmission in his truck decided it doesn't like working in the extremely cold weather we're having...so hubby had to take my van to work. That leaves me with 2 boys both excessively excited about everything these days and no Nana to help distract the youngest so I can distract the oldest. That means that every 2 minutes the oldest is leaving his desk to come and play with the youngest and tease him about going outside to play in the snow. Now normally that wouldn't be an issue. We'd postpone schooling until after dinner and just go play, but I'm sick. I have a nasty head cold - again, and an ear infection. Being outside in the -10 (yes I realize that's warm for our northern region and really warm compared to our prairie provinces) degree weather just isn't my idea of fun or promoting my quick return to good health. So I had to say no. 100 times today I had to say no. That makes the youngest very upset and he doesn't just cry he screams. At the top of his lungs screams - to the point I'm sure the neighbours are going to call the police and suggest that someone in this house is trying to kill someone else! And my boy can scream for hours on end. I don't do well with the screaming. But I don't give in either. I don't believe in giving in to temper tantrums. Some of you may think that's harsh, but I firmly believe that if you give in to one tantrum they will never end. They will use them anywhere, anytime for anything they want. Every time they are told no or not now, they'll throw a tantrum.
So, I'm the meanest Mum on the planet. Just ask my 7 year old. 100 times no we can't go outside, 25 times please go back to your desk and let's get this work finished. The term is almost over and then we can relax for a bit. These are concepts that my 7 year old FASD, ODD, OCD, ADHD son can not grasp. He tries and succeeds for about 3 minutes and then it's gone. But we keep trying.
In amongst my very weird day, where my 7 year old wouldn't work and my 2 year old wouldn't nap, eat, sit, play, or do just about anything I wanted him to at any given moment, I thought about what our next children would bring to the mix.
My new discovery? I don't care what they bring! Bring it on - whatever 'it' is I can handle it. I am ready to embrace 'it'! Because as they say "A change is as good as a rest!" LOL
On a completely different note all together, I was reading another adoptive mum's blog and she posted a Johnny Reid video that I hadn't heard before. It's called Today I'm going to try to change the world. What a beautiful and powerful message. It would make a perfect adoption anthem. If you haven't heard this song or seen the video, check it out on YouTube. I'd post it here (and borrow it from Carrie) but I haven't figured out how to do that yet! :)
I'm so looking forward to what tomorrow is going to bring, but for now I'm going to sit back with my ginger lemon tea and enjoy Glee!
It started out like any other Tuesday. We got up, hubby got ready for work, I did my computer morning routine, and then the kids get up.
Son #1 gets his breakfast, son #2 gets his, and then son #1 starts his school work. Well it was a Tuesday morning like any other Tuesday morning. Hubby left for work and that's when things went sideways, or maybe pear shaped. I'm not sure.
So the kids and I are usually attended by my Mum on weekdays so that son #2 is occupied while I tend to son #1 for his homeschooling. Well with our snow fall yesterday Nana isn't able to get to us and I can't go get her because hubby's transmission in his truck decided it doesn't like working in the extremely cold weather we're having...so hubby had to take my van to work. That leaves me with 2 boys both excessively excited about everything these days and no Nana to help distract the youngest so I can distract the oldest. That means that every 2 minutes the oldest is leaving his desk to come and play with the youngest and tease him about going outside to play in the snow. Now normally that wouldn't be an issue. We'd postpone schooling until after dinner and just go play, but I'm sick. I have a nasty head cold - again, and an ear infection. Being outside in the -10 (yes I realize that's warm for our northern region and really warm compared to our prairie provinces) degree weather just isn't my idea of fun or promoting my quick return to good health. So I had to say no. 100 times today I had to say no. That makes the youngest very upset and he doesn't just cry he screams. At the top of his lungs screams - to the point I'm sure the neighbours are going to call the police and suggest that someone in this house is trying to kill someone else! And my boy can scream for hours on end. I don't do well with the screaming. But I don't give in either. I don't believe in giving in to temper tantrums. Some of you may think that's harsh, but I firmly believe that if you give in to one tantrum they will never end. They will use them anywhere, anytime for anything they want. Every time they are told no or not now, they'll throw a tantrum.
So, I'm the meanest Mum on the planet. Just ask my 7 year old. 100 times no we can't go outside, 25 times please go back to your desk and let's get this work finished. The term is almost over and then we can relax for a bit. These are concepts that my 7 year old FASD, ODD, OCD, ADHD son can not grasp. He tries and succeeds for about 3 minutes and then it's gone. But we keep trying.
In amongst my very weird day, where my 7 year old wouldn't work and my 2 year old wouldn't nap, eat, sit, play, or do just about anything I wanted him to at any given moment, I thought about what our next children would bring to the mix.
My new discovery? I don't care what they bring! Bring it on - whatever 'it' is I can handle it. I am ready to embrace 'it'! Because as they say "A change is as good as a rest!" LOL
On a completely different note all together, I was reading another adoptive mum's blog and she posted a Johnny Reid video that I hadn't heard before. It's called Today I'm going to try to change the world. What a beautiful and powerful message. It would make a perfect adoption anthem. If you haven't heard this song or seen the video, check it out on YouTube. I'd post it here (and borrow it from Carrie) but I haven't figured out how to do that yet! :)
I'm so looking forward to what tomorrow is going to bring, but for now I'm going to sit back with my ginger lemon tea and enjoy Glee!
Monday, November 22, 2010
The Who and the Why....
Today we are having a snow day. We've been expecting this day for the last few days, but it finally decided to arrive today. The wind is biting cold, and the snow is covering everything even the patio furniture that is undercover of our patio roof!
But it's a beautiful day. Son #1 refused to do his school work, so he had the choice to do his work or go back to bed. He chose bed. So son #2 got to get bundled up and go play outside in the blizzard with Daddy! I stood outside under cover and shivered while I watched our two year old really grasp the reality of snow. It's not his first snow fall, but it is the first one he can actually realize and enjoy. He was so cute kicking snow at Daddy, with his little boot clad feet and his one size too big bomber coat. He wasn't completely fond of having snow balls lofted at him but he finally found the fun side of it and started lofting them back. It's really amazing watching the world through the eyes of a two year old. Everything is new and fascinating. Everything is approached with caution and then with unfettered glee and joy.
While I was standing there watching my husband and son, I couldn't help feel guilty for giving my oldest the consequence we had. So, in I snuck and for the first time I reneged on my word. I got him up to have lunch (his brother was coming in after only 15 minutes) to warm up and have lunch too. After lunch son #2 went down for his nap and then son #1 got to go out and have his fun too. Watching him make a snow angel just for mama was something special. Son #1 was having the time of his life. He and Daddy tried to make a snowman but the snow is too dry. It's the kind of snow my dad used to call popcorn snow. Don't know why he did but he did. Which brings back wonderful childhood memories for me too.
So today we've spent time making memories and that kept me thinking about who is coming to be with us next.
We've decided that a sibling group of 2 or 3, between the ages of son #1 and son #2, and definitely at least one girl, is who we are looking for. When we adopted son #1 we were told we would need to be open to adopting future siblings. We were and still are. We adopted son #2 who is the biological brother of son #1. When son #1 'got it' that they were brothers by blood and by adoption a light went on for him. It made a very big impact on him. A visible impact. It was as if the oldest realized that he would never be alone in this world. That there was somebody who shared not only his family, but his genealogy. Now of course at 7 years old he didn't actually get the genealogy part but you know what I mean. With his realization came ours. We want to give that to another sibling group. We want to be able to tell all of our children that they are family because of adoption and our choices, but more so because they share their heritage, their biological beginnings.
We want to give our children a multi-layered connection. After all, this world is about love and family. We want to share it with all of our children...known and as yet to be known.
But it's a beautiful day. Son #1 refused to do his school work, so he had the choice to do his work or go back to bed. He chose bed. So son #2 got to get bundled up and go play outside in the blizzard with Daddy! I stood outside under cover and shivered while I watched our two year old really grasp the reality of snow. It's not his first snow fall, but it is the first one he can actually realize and enjoy. He was so cute kicking snow at Daddy, with his little boot clad feet and his one size too big bomber coat. He wasn't completely fond of having snow balls lofted at him but he finally found the fun side of it and started lofting them back. It's really amazing watching the world through the eyes of a two year old. Everything is new and fascinating. Everything is approached with caution and then with unfettered glee and joy.
While I was standing there watching my husband and son, I couldn't help feel guilty for giving my oldest the consequence we had. So, in I snuck and for the first time I reneged on my word. I got him up to have lunch (his brother was coming in after only 15 minutes) to warm up and have lunch too. After lunch son #2 went down for his nap and then son #1 got to go out and have his fun too. Watching him make a snow angel just for mama was something special. Son #1 was having the time of his life. He and Daddy tried to make a snowman but the snow is too dry. It's the kind of snow my dad used to call popcorn snow. Don't know why he did but he did. Which brings back wonderful childhood memories for me too.
So today we've spent time making memories and that kept me thinking about who is coming to be with us next.
We've decided that a sibling group of 2 or 3, between the ages of son #1 and son #2, and definitely at least one girl, is who we are looking for. When we adopted son #1 we were told we would need to be open to adopting future siblings. We were and still are. We adopted son #2 who is the biological brother of son #1. When son #1 'got it' that they were brothers by blood and by adoption a light went on for him. It made a very big impact on him. A visible impact. It was as if the oldest realized that he would never be alone in this world. That there was somebody who shared not only his family, but his genealogy. Now of course at 7 years old he didn't actually get the genealogy part but you know what I mean. With his realization came ours. We want to give that to another sibling group. We want to be able to tell all of our children that they are family because of adoption and our choices, but more so because they share their heritage, their biological beginnings.
We want to give our children a multi-layered connection. After all, this world is about love and family. We want to share it with all of our children...known and as yet to be known.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
The Phone Call...
December 12th, 2004 is one day that will live forever in our memories.
The phone rings. I answer it. I call for my hubby to pick up the other extension. It's our adoption social worker. She has news.
"There is a 14 month old boy who needs a forever home. Are you interested?" Response, "Yes! We'll take him!" Husband says, " Kelly can we find out more about him first?" Response, "NO! He's ours I just know it!" Social worker chimes in, "Kelly wouldn't you like to know more?" Response, "OK, but nothing matters, he's ours."
Our social worker goes on to tell us about the boy who I KNOW is my son. He has some risks and issues, but nothing that scares us.
I ask one question. "When can we go get him? Can we bring him home before Christmas?" The social worker tells us that that won't be possible. The child's workers want to come to meet us and see our home and then make their final decision. OK we agree to that.
January 5th, 2005 the workers arrive on our doorstep at 9:00AM. They come in and have coffee and conversation. I show the child's worker his bedroom. She is very happy. She and I have a private conversation in my kitchen while I make coffee (more). She informs me that she has made her decision and that she will have everything arranged for us to start our preplacement visits on January 18th.
Two more weeks before we can meet our son. We can't even distract ourselves by designing his bedroom because we did that within 4 days of that first call! I said I KNEW he was our son!
The two weeks crawls by and we finally get to go and meet our son. His foster mother is a lovely lady who welcomes us into her home.
We spend the next few days going back and forth from home to the foster home and on day 5 we pack his belongings and say good bye to his foster family and we're on our way home. A family of three for the first time.
When we walked through the front door of our home the tears flowed. My 15 month old son is looking at me like I'm crazy but he gives me a smile and he's off exploring his new forever home. My mum was there to meet her new grandson and it was love at first sight for both of them. Together, the four of us wander through the house and show son #1 his very first bedroom. Yes that's right. He'd never had a room of his own.
He took his first nap in his own room 2 hours after we got home and he slept peacefully from that moment on. He knew he was home too.
Fast forward to 2008, and we're repeating the process except this time we're not getting a call about a toddler, we're getting a call about a brand new baby boy who is our first son's biological brother! Another whirlwind but not a month, 6 days! Can you imagine having to get everything for a newborn in under a week? Can you imagine having to paint out a nursery and set everything up and gather all the supplies and buy clothing and everything else a newborn needs all while travelling out of your home community daily to be with your new baby in the hospital? It's not exactly easy, but it is exciting.
Fast forward again and it's present day 2010 and we've gone through the process again and now we await the call that tells us who our next children are going to be.
Next installment: Who we're looking for and why.
The phone rings. I answer it. I call for my hubby to pick up the other extension. It's our adoption social worker. She has news.
"There is a 14 month old boy who needs a forever home. Are you interested?" Response, "Yes! We'll take him!" Husband says, " Kelly can we find out more about him first?" Response, "NO! He's ours I just know it!" Social worker chimes in, "Kelly wouldn't you like to know more?" Response, "OK, but nothing matters, he's ours."
Our social worker goes on to tell us about the boy who I KNOW is my son. He has some risks and issues, but nothing that scares us.
I ask one question. "When can we go get him? Can we bring him home before Christmas?" The social worker tells us that that won't be possible. The child's workers want to come to meet us and see our home and then make their final decision. OK we agree to that.
January 5th, 2005 the workers arrive on our doorstep at 9:00AM. They come in and have coffee and conversation. I show the child's worker his bedroom. She is very happy. She and I have a private conversation in my kitchen while I make coffee (more). She informs me that she has made her decision and that she will have everything arranged for us to start our preplacement visits on January 18th.
Two more weeks before we can meet our son. We can't even distract ourselves by designing his bedroom because we did that within 4 days of that first call! I said I KNEW he was our son!
The two weeks crawls by and we finally get to go and meet our son. His foster mother is a lovely lady who welcomes us into her home.
We spend the next few days going back and forth from home to the foster home and on day 5 we pack his belongings and say good bye to his foster family and we're on our way home. A family of three for the first time.
When we walked through the front door of our home the tears flowed. My 15 month old son is looking at me like I'm crazy but he gives me a smile and he's off exploring his new forever home. My mum was there to meet her new grandson and it was love at first sight for both of them. Together, the four of us wander through the house and show son #1 his very first bedroom. Yes that's right. He'd never had a room of his own.
He took his first nap in his own room 2 hours after we got home and he slept peacefully from that moment on. He knew he was home too.
Fast forward to 2008, and we're repeating the process except this time we're not getting a call about a toddler, we're getting a call about a brand new baby boy who is our first son's biological brother! Another whirlwind but not a month, 6 days! Can you imagine having to get everything for a newborn in under a week? Can you imagine having to paint out a nursery and set everything up and gather all the supplies and buy clothing and everything else a newborn needs all while travelling out of your home community daily to be with your new baby in the hospital? It's not exactly easy, but it is exciting.
Fast forward again and it's present day 2010 and we've gone through the process again and now we await the call that tells us who our next children are going to be.
Next installment: Who we're looking for and why.
Friday, November 19, 2010
The Next Step...
The next step brought us to son #1.
After renovating the little house, and my dad passing away, we decided to sell up and buy a house big enough for us, some kids and my mum.
We moved clear across town (which if you knew our community you'd know that clear across town takes about 6 minutes in heavy traffic) and bought a 6 bedroom house that had a fully self contained basement suite for Mum to live in.
It needed work! My husband had about 2 weeks to get the basement suite gutted and completely rebuilt for Mum to move in. She had sold her mobile home and would be moving in with us just two weeks after we moved in. The upstairs of our new home was livable, but the suite was not. It was filthy, and moldy and it had holes in the walls. The bathroom looked like a huge flood had come through and literally left mud in every nook and cranny. Disgusting doesn't even begin to describe the state of that suite!
But my husband being the wonderful jack of all trades that he is, and with some help from some very good friends, one in particular who spent every spare moment she had with us, my hubby got that suite looking and feeling brand new! By gosh it was nicer than my half of the house! LOL But really that's the way it should be when providing your mum with a new home.
It took a few months to get settled after we moved in in June of 2004. We decided it was time to have another pet. So this time we researched and found a breed that was good with children and hypo-allergenic!
It just so happened that we had a friend who was a breeder of these dogs and so we got Haggrid. Haggrid was a beautiful, sweet, loving, cuddly purebred Shih-Tzu.
So, we are all adapting to our new home and enjoying being together. We've had our worker over to approve the home and dog, and update our homestudy with the new information.
On December 12th the phone rang.
After renovating the little house, and my dad passing away, we decided to sell up and buy a house big enough for us, some kids and my mum.
We moved clear across town (which if you knew our community you'd know that clear across town takes about 6 minutes in heavy traffic) and bought a 6 bedroom house that had a fully self contained basement suite for Mum to live in.
It needed work! My husband had about 2 weeks to get the basement suite gutted and completely rebuilt for Mum to move in. She had sold her mobile home and would be moving in with us just two weeks after we moved in. The upstairs of our new home was livable, but the suite was not. It was filthy, and moldy and it had holes in the walls. The bathroom looked like a huge flood had come through and literally left mud in every nook and cranny. Disgusting doesn't even begin to describe the state of that suite!
But my husband being the wonderful jack of all trades that he is, and with some help from some very good friends, one in particular who spent every spare moment she had with us, my hubby got that suite looking and feeling brand new! By gosh it was nicer than my half of the house! LOL But really that's the way it should be when providing your mum with a new home.
It took a few months to get settled after we moved in in June of 2004. We decided it was time to have another pet. So this time we researched and found a breed that was good with children and hypo-allergenic!
It just so happened that we had a friend who was a breeder of these dogs and so we got Haggrid. Haggrid was a beautiful, sweet, loving, cuddly purebred Shih-Tzu.
So, we are all adapting to our new home and enjoying being together. We've had our worker over to approve the home and dog, and update our homestudy with the new information.
On December 12th the phone rang.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
The First BIG Hill
So yesterday I left you with the knowledge that we had some conditions to meet and we had a little boy on the way.
That was true. What you don't know is that that little boy wasn't son #1.
This was a little boy whom we'd seen on the bulletin and thought Hmmmm he sounds like he could be ours. Well after quite a bit of back and forth between the social workers, it was decided that we had to: 1. Get his nursery/room set up. 2. Rehome the best dog we'd ever had. 3. Have our doctor look into the future and tell us what this child's special needs might develop into.
So within a month all 3 conditions were met. We were excited! We informed our worker we were ready to start our preplacement visits. She contacted the child's worker and said we were ready and able to start the process. The child's worker informed our worker that the foster family had decided to adopt him instead and she had homestudied them and done the placement.
WE WERE DESTROYED!!!
In the time we'd taken to do everything that was asked of us, the worker had taken the child out from under us! We had to rehome our precious little dog because our soon-to-be son was allergic to dogs, we spent money on a specific designed (insisted upon) nursery that we didn't have the money for. (The nursery/room had been set up and ready to be occupied but there were other specific things that this particular child required.) But more than the dog and the money was the knowledge we'd been deceived. Our worker had been fully preparing to do the placement and she was very upset too.
This was our first encounter with the loss of a child. You have to understand that we knew everything about this boy. We knew his face, we knew his beautiful little heart, we knew his issues, we knew his familial background. There was some pretty difficult things to accept and deal with the boy and we didn't care. He was ours! I know there are people out there who are going to say you still don't have a clue what it's like to lose a child. In a sense they're right. I don't want to know! But the grief a family feels when they have wholeheartedly accepted that a child is coming and he/she is theirs for life, is really quite similar. Not the same, but similar. You feel the need to have some sort of process to go through. Something to help you memorialize your time and connection with the child. Something to help you move forward.
I remember having to tell our families that everything was put on hold. That we weren't getting the boy. That he would never be a part of our family. We were all heartbroken. As first time adoptive parents you're told in the AEP that these things can and do happen. But you never think it will happen to you. When it does it's devastating. We put ourselves on hold for a bit and took the time to grieve.
We were much better prepared for the next time. We were now, to some extent, guarded. When we learned about a possible match we were cautiously optimistic. We told our worker that she could never again ask us to rehome a pet because of a possible match. We would cross that bridge when the child came home. If an allergy couldn't be dealt with then we would rehome the pet, but not before. We lost the best little dog we'd ever had.
Like I said, we moved forward. To this day I still pray for that little boy and hope that he's doing well. He just wasn't in God's plan for us. We can accept that.
The next step we took brought us our son #1. :)
That was true. What you don't know is that that little boy wasn't son #1.
This was a little boy whom we'd seen on the bulletin and thought Hmmmm he sounds like he could be ours. Well after quite a bit of back and forth between the social workers, it was decided that we had to: 1. Get his nursery/room set up. 2. Rehome the best dog we'd ever had. 3. Have our doctor look into the future and tell us what this child's special needs might develop into.
So within a month all 3 conditions were met. We were excited! We informed our worker we were ready to start our preplacement visits. She contacted the child's worker and said we were ready and able to start the process. The child's worker informed our worker that the foster family had decided to adopt him instead and she had homestudied them and done the placement.
WE WERE DESTROYED!!!
In the time we'd taken to do everything that was asked of us, the worker had taken the child out from under us! We had to rehome our precious little dog because our soon-to-be son was allergic to dogs, we spent money on a specific designed (insisted upon) nursery that we didn't have the money for. (The nursery/room had been set up and ready to be occupied but there were other specific things that this particular child required.) But more than the dog and the money was the knowledge we'd been deceived. Our worker had been fully preparing to do the placement and she was very upset too.
This was our first encounter with the loss of a child. You have to understand that we knew everything about this boy. We knew his face, we knew his beautiful little heart, we knew his issues, we knew his familial background. There was some pretty difficult things to accept and deal with the boy and we didn't care. He was ours! I know there are people out there who are going to say you still don't have a clue what it's like to lose a child. In a sense they're right. I don't want to know! But the grief a family feels when they have wholeheartedly accepted that a child is coming and he/she is theirs for life, is really quite similar. Not the same, but similar. You feel the need to have some sort of process to go through. Something to help you memorialize your time and connection with the child. Something to help you move forward.
I remember having to tell our families that everything was put on hold. That we weren't getting the boy. That he would never be a part of our family. We were all heartbroken. As first time adoptive parents you're told in the AEP that these things can and do happen. But you never think it will happen to you. When it does it's devastating. We put ourselves on hold for a bit and took the time to grieve.
We were much better prepared for the next time. We were now, to some extent, guarded. When we learned about a possible match we were cautiously optimistic. We told our worker that she could never again ask us to rehome a pet because of a possible match. We would cross that bridge when the child came home. If an allergy couldn't be dealt with then we would rehome the pet, but not before. We lost the best little dog we'd ever had.
Like I said, we moved forward. To this day I still pray for that little boy and hope that he's doing well. He just wasn't in God's plan for us. We can accept that.
The next step we took brought us our son #1. :)
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Back on the Main Road...
Thank you for taking that little side trip with me. It was just something I had to get out! :)
So back on the main road again, I said I'd tell you about how we spent our waiting period. I'm going to back track, just for a mile or so.
I told you that our private agency worker was wonderful. She was! To this day we stay in contact. Distant contact, but contact. Our Ministry worker was much more than just wonderful. She took a bit to get to know us and understand our quirky and weird sense of humour, but she eventually did. This beautiful lady became a member of our family. She came to know the ins and outs of our relationship and what was going on in our lives. She became an honorary member of our family. We had hoped (as did she apparently) that she would be a part of us forever. But, that wasn't to be. She has moved on to another adjoining career where she helps people on the other side of adoption (completed and with specific special needs) as well as care givers and bio families with this specific special need. She is a lovely lady to whom we will forever be grateful for helping us build our family. Thank you D!
So after she finished tweaking our homestudy to her satisfaction we were finally approved. The whole process took about 2 and half years. That's a long time, but not in terms of adoption. Then the waiting begins.
We were sure that our worker was going to eventually block our phone number and email addresses as we pestered her regularly! This is a common occurrence among prospective adoptive families who are waiting on a match. I am surprised that more social workers aren't nasty human beings. It must be awful to spend a good portion of your work day telling people over and over again that you're sorry nothing has happened for them yet. AND KEEP SMILING! Patience must be a pre-requisite for being an adoption social worker.
We kept bugging her. She kept telling us that she WOULD call when something came up! That first go 'round that woman was a saint. Depending on the day I was having though she could just as easily have been my worst enemy. LOL The adoption social worker holds your life and family's life in her hands and there isn't a darn thing you can do about it. That's a very difficult concept to the one who is constantly requiring control of one's universe and is extremely proactive. Yes that's right, that's my description of me!
At least once a month (sometimes once a week) I would send off an email to our wonderful worker with the pseudonym of a child that we thought we might be interested in. Our worker would dutifully send off an email to the child's worker to see if the child was still available, and would the child's worker be interested in hearing more about us. Usually the child's worker would be interested but for one reason or another we would decide or our worker would decide that this particular child wouldn't be a good match for us.
So throughout our waiting period, we said no to probably 20 or 30 children and sibling groups. I did countless hours of research on many, many, many different special needs. By the time we received our proposal for son #1, I had roughly 2000 pages of research on a variety of special needs.
We lived in a little 3 bedroom house on the outskirts of town when we were finally approved. We renovated that little former pot growing house into a cute little family home. We inquired about a little boy and we were told we had some conditions to meet and we could have him!
Stay tuned. Here comes the first BIG hill on our journey.
So back on the main road again, I said I'd tell you about how we spent our waiting period. I'm going to back track, just for a mile or so.
I told you that our private agency worker was wonderful. She was! To this day we stay in contact. Distant contact, but contact. Our Ministry worker was much more than just wonderful. She took a bit to get to know us and understand our quirky and weird sense of humour, but she eventually did. This beautiful lady became a member of our family. She came to know the ins and outs of our relationship and what was going on in our lives. She became an honorary member of our family. We had hoped (as did she apparently) that she would be a part of us forever. But, that wasn't to be. She has moved on to another adjoining career where she helps people on the other side of adoption (completed and with specific special needs) as well as care givers and bio families with this specific special need. She is a lovely lady to whom we will forever be grateful for helping us build our family. Thank you D!
So after she finished tweaking our homestudy to her satisfaction we were finally approved. The whole process took about 2 and half years. That's a long time, but not in terms of adoption. Then the waiting begins.
We were sure that our worker was going to eventually block our phone number and email addresses as we pestered her regularly! This is a common occurrence among prospective adoptive families who are waiting on a match. I am surprised that more social workers aren't nasty human beings. It must be awful to spend a good portion of your work day telling people over and over again that you're sorry nothing has happened for them yet. AND KEEP SMILING! Patience must be a pre-requisite for being an adoption social worker.
We kept bugging her. She kept telling us that she WOULD call when something came up! That first go 'round that woman was a saint. Depending on the day I was having though she could just as easily have been my worst enemy. LOL The adoption social worker holds your life and family's life in her hands and there isn't a darn thing you can do about it. That's a very difficult concept to the one who is constantly requiring control of one's universe and is extremely proactive. Yes that's right, that's my description of me!
At least once a month (sometimes once a week) I would send off an email to our wonderful worker with the pseudonym of a child that we thought we might be interested in. Our worker would dutifully send off an email to the child's worker to see if the child was still available, and would the child's worker be interested in hearing more about us. Usually the child's worker would be interested but for one reason or another we would decide or our worker would decide that this particular child wouldn't be a good match for us.
So throughout our waiting period, we said no to probably 20 or 30 children and sibling groups. I did countless hours of research on many, many, many different special needs. By the time we received our proposal for son #1, I had roughly 2000 pages of research on a variety of special needs.
We lived in a little 3 bedroom house on the outskirts of town when we were finally approved. We renovated that little former pot growing house into a cute little family home. We inquired about a little boy and we were told we had some conditions to meet and we could have him!
Stay tuned. Here comes the first BIG hill on our journey.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
A Side Trip...
So, I'm going to take you on a little side trip today. I'm going to tell you about the present. I'm feeling a little out of sorts and a little guilty about feeling that way!
We are pursuing our third adoption, and anyone whose been through it knows that the hardest part (after the homestudy) is the waiting.
Patience isn't my strong suit. It is when it comes to small children and animals, less than capable adults, and teenagers (provided they aren't mine). But when it comes to the waiting game for adoption my patience is pretty much non existent. Much the same as any other adoptive parent waiting to hear who their child(ren) is going to be.
So, we've been officially approved for about a month now. Not a long time, and all adoptive families know it's very rare to get much movement in the first month. But usually there's SOMETHING! A computer that spit out your name with the names of a child or sibling group, or another adoption worker that saw your new homestudy and thought you looked interesting. Something! But for us nothing. Nada. Zip. Squat! It's disheartening and discouraging. In the group I facilitate for adoptive families I always spout that you have to be patient. You have to remember that the adoption workers only have so much time and too many cases, and they'll get to you when something important comes up. Oh I'm soooo good at doling out the advice. Now I have to follow it! Not exactly the easiest thing to do. So to my families in my group I apologize. Take my advice and throw it out the window! I say we need to stage a revolt. We need to lobby the government for more funds for more adoption workers and for those workers to be given more hours and let's get these kids home. Home to their forever families. One more day, week, month, or year is just way too long to go without the feeling of permanence and love. Too long for the families to be longing for their children, too long for the children to be wondering why they haven't been chosen?
So how do I deal with the waiting? That's a question that was asked of me recently. Well, I play with my kids (not as easy when you're waiting to be a first time Mummy or Daddy), I focus on my oldests homeschooling. I work on the computer, and I talk to my husband, mother, friends and just about anybody who will listen or at least pretend to. I sing....a lot. Right now with a nasty head cold I don't sound good, but I just tell my family to suck it up and realize that the more I sing the less grumpy I am because of the wait. They generally accept this with good humour. Mostly.
The waiting is the hardest part. Especially when a bulletin update happens. You know right away that each and every adoption social worker is being inundated with emails and telephone calls begging for information about a certain child or sibling group. Each and every family is determined to be their worker's main priority and it doesn't work that way. It's frustrating. It's annoying. It's reality. Right now I'm dealing with that reality. I don't like it and I want to change my reality. Unfortunately I don't have the power to do that. The reality is that my family's fate is in the hands of God first, and our adoption worker second. Between the two of them, we have to exercise that patience muscle and learn to live with the waiting.
So if you're waiting, like we are, then drop me a line (leave a comment) and tell me how you cope. It's through sharing that we all find a way to make it through this reality.
Thank you for taking this little side journey with me and I'll bring you back to the main road shortly. :)
We are pursuing our third adoption, and anyone whose been through it knows that the hardest part (after the homestudy) is the waiting.
Patience isn't my strong suit. It is when it comes to small children and animals, less than capable adults, and teenagers (provided they aren't mine). But when it comes to the waiting game for adoption my patience is pretty much non existent. Much the same as any other adoptive parent waiting to hear who their child(ren) is going to be.
So, we've been officially approved for about a month now. Not a long time, and all adoptive families know it's very rare to get much movement in the first month. But usually there's SOMETHING! A computer that spit out your name with the names of a child or sibling group, or another adoption worker that saw your new homestudy and thought you looked interesting. Something! But for us nothing. Nada. Zip. Squat! It's disheartening and discouraging. In the group I facilitate for adoptive families I always spout that you have to be patient. You have to remember that the adoption workers only have so much time and too many cases, and they'll get to you when something important comes up. Oh I'm soooo good at doling out the advice. Now I have to follow it! Not exactly the easiest thing to do. So to my families in my group I apologize. Take my advice and throw it out the window! I say we need to stage a revolt. We need to lobby the government for more funds for more adoption workers and for those workers to be given more hours and let's get these kids home. Home to their forever families. One more day, week, month, or year is just way too long to go without the feeling of permanence and love. Too long for the families to be longing for their children, too long for the children to be wondering why they haven't been chosen?
So how do I deal with the waiting? That's a question that was asked of me recently. Well, I play with my kids (not as easy when you're waiting to be a first time Mummy or Daddy), I focus on my oldests homeschooling. I work on the computer, and I talk to my husband, mother, friends and just about anybody who will listen or at least pretend to. I sing....a lot. Right now with a nasty head cold I don't sound good, but I just tell my family to suck it up and realize that the more I sing the less grumpy I am because of the wait. They generally accept this with good humour. Mostly.
The waiting is the hardest part. Especially when a bulletin update happens. You know right away that each and every adoption social worker is being inundated with emails and telephone calls begging for information about a certain child or sibling group. Each and every family is determined to be their worker's main priority and it doesn't work that way. It's frustrating. It's annoying. It's reality. Right now I'm dealing with that reality. I don't like it and I want to change my reality. Unfortunately I don't have the power to do that. The reality is that my family's fate is in the hands of God first, and our adoption worker second. Between the two of them, we have to exercise that patience muscle and learn to live with the waiting.
So if you're waiting, like we are, then drop me a line (leave a comment) and tell me how you cope. It's through sharing that we all find a way to make it through this reality.
Thank you for taking this little side journey with me and I'll bring you back to the main road shortly. :)
Monday, November 15, 2010
Moving Forward
So in my last post I said that we signed up in June 2000, that's not quite right. It was June 19Th, 2001.
We had spent a long time discussing the right adoption route for us and getting input from family and friends. When all was said and done we bit the bullet and I printed out what seemed like an entire ream of paper! It was the adoption application, the adoption questionnaire and the guide book to help you fill out the other two. Whew! So that took quite a while.
Sitting with the piles of papers in front of us it felt daunting and completely overwhelming. What were we getting ourselves into?! So we took a deep breath and dove in.
A couple of hours later we had completed the two sets of paper work that needed to be filled out. What was the next step? We had to find an adoption worker. We went to the office of our local Ministry of Children and Family Development and asked to see an adoption worker. We were told that she (yes only one and that surprised us) wouldn't be back in the office until the following week. So, we made an appointment.
The following week the worker called us to confirm and let us know which papers she would like us to fill out and bring in. She was quite surprised and pleased that we had everything done as well as some other documents that we thought she might be interested in seeing. Those documents pertained to my health issues for the most part.
Then begins the interesting part. At least as far as I'm concerned. LOL
The worker has us do a criminal record check, passed, a physician's report, passed, references, positive, and then the big scary AEP. For those of you not familiar with the AEP it stands for Adoption Education Program. This is a 4 or 5 week training/information course that all prospective adoptive families must take prior to beginning their home study.
In my opinion, this course is designed to weed out those who are not completely committed and serious about adoption. They have guest speakers come in and talk about their adoption experiences, good and not so good to down right bad, as well as speakers who explain some of the more common special needs that come with some of the children.
These speakers are wonderfully informative and extremely forthcoming and I've never met one who sugar coats anything! Just the way I like it.
So we managed to get into the AEP for the fall session. After our first day I was sure hubby would say NO WAY! We learned about Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder as well as Reactive Attachment Disorder and some other stuff too. I thought for sure he'd been scared off, but not my man! He was ready to deal with whatever God sent our way. I was so happy!
Once we'd finished the AEP we immediately contacted our adoption worker and told her we were ready to start the home study. The next BIG SCARY PART, and she informed us it would be a while as her caseload was full. We were saddened. It wasn't long before we got a call from the worker telling us that we'd been contracted out. That means that our worker was too busy to do our home study so the Ministry contracted a certain number of home studies to be done by a private agency. That was us.
Our private worker was wonderful! She got our weird sense of humour immediately and even better than that had misunderstood her instructions for our home study. Yes a mistake that worked in our favour! Her instructions were that she had 5 home studies to do and they all had to be started by a certain date in March. She misunderstood and thought that she had to have all 5 completed by that certain date in March! We were at the end of February and finished and approved (by the private agency) by the end of March! Oh what joy! That meant all we needed was our ministry worker to go over the home study and submit it to her supervisor for final approval and we would officially be in the waiting phase of adopting.
Well that didn't happen. Our worker decided that the home study really wasn't complete and spent another 6 months "fixing" the home study (6 months is typically about how long it takes to do a complete home study) before she would submit for final approval.
In the next installment I'll tell you how we spent our waiting period. ;)
We had spent a long time discussing the right adoption route for us and getting input from family and friends. When all was said and done we bit the bullet and I printed out what seemed like an entire ream of paper! It was the adoption application, the adoption questionnaire and the guide book to help you fill out the other two. Whew! So that took quite a while.
Sitting with the piles of papers in front of us it felt daunting and completely overwhelming. What were we getting ourselves into?! So we took a deep breath and dove in.
A couple of hours later we had completed the two sets of paper work that needed to be filled out. What was the next step? We had to find an adoption worker. We went to the office of our local Ministry of Children and Family Development and asked to see an adoption worker. We were told that she (yes only one and that surprised us) wouldn't be back in the office until the following week. So, we made an appointment.
The following week the worker called us to confirm and let us know which papers she would like us to fill out and bring in. She was quite surprised and pleased that we had everything done as well as some other documents that we thought she might be interested in seeing. Those documents pertained to my health issues for the most part.
Then begins the interesting part. At least as far as I'm concerned. LOL
The worker has us do a criminal record check, passed, a physician's report, passed, references, positive, and then the big scary AEP. For those of you not familiar with the AEP it stands for Adoption Education Program. This is a 4 or 5 week training/information course that all prospective adoptive families must take prior to beginning their home study.
In my opinion, this course is designed to weed out those who are not completely committed and serious about adoption. They have guest speakers come in and talk about their adoption experiences, good and not so good to down right bad, as well as speakers who explain some of the more common special needs that come with some of the children.
These speakers are wonderfully informative and extremely forthcoming and I've never met one who sugar coats anything! Just the way I like it.
So we managed to get into the AEP for the fall session. After our first day I was sure hubby would say NO WAY! We learned about Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder as well as Reactive Attachment Disorder and some other stuff too. I thought for sure he'd been scared off, but not my man! He was ready to deal with whatever God sent our way. I was so happy!
Once we'd finished the AEP we immediately contacted our adoption worker and told her we were ready to start the home study. The next BIG SCARY PART, and she informed us it would be a while as her caseload was full. We were saddened. It wasn't long before we got a call from the worker telling us that we'd been contracted out. That means that our worker was too busy to do our home study so the Ministry contracted a certain number of home studies to be done by a private agency. That was us.
Our private worker was wonderful! She got our weird sense of humour immediately and even better than that had misunderstood her instructions for our home study. Yes a mistake that worked in our favour! Her instructions were that she had 5 home studies to do and they all had to be started by a certain date in March. She misunderstood and thought that she had to have all 5 completed by that certain date in March! We were at the end of February and finished and approved (by the private agency) by the end of March! Oh what joy! That meant all we needed was our ministry worker to go over the home study and submit it to her supervisor for final approval and we would officially be in the waiting phase of adopting.
Well that didn't happen. Our worker decided that the home study really wasn't complete and spent another 6 months "fixing" the home study (6 months is typically about how long it takes to do a complete home study) before she would submit for final approval.
In the next installment I'll tell you how we spent our waiting period. ;)
Sunday, November 14, 2010
The Beginning...Sort of
Well I started this blog back in September of 2009, the only thing I forgot to do was write!
I will take this time to tell you how it all started.
In March of 1997 my husband and I started dating. I can't say that's when we met because we'd met a couple of years earlier but it took him that long to figure out that I liked him! So, like I said we started dating in March. In June we decided to move in together. That was something that didn't please my very christian family. We promised my very protective and old fashioned Dad that we would get married before we started a family...and we did. We got married in October of 1997. Whirlwind comes to mind when I think back on our start.
We had the usual comments of it won't work, they won't last, they haven't spent enough time together. But after 13 years of marriage we are still here (much to the surprise of everyone else who are now divorced) and thriving.
Move forward two years and you see us finding out about our infertility issues. It is these issues that finally push us into the journey of adoption.
I had always known that I would adopt. It's something I decided when I was 12 years old. It was then that I met my very best friend, who I found out was adopted. It was she who showed me the world of adoption and the joy it brings to all parties involved. Sure there are heartbreaks, and heart aches, but the joy outweighs them all.
So how did we come to the decision? This was a question I asked my husband prior to us getting serious in our short dating period. I explained to him that I had various health concerns and that because of those concerns I might not be able to have biological children and I might not want to if it was proven I could pass along my issues. I asked him in the beginning how he felt about adoption? Living my life without children was not an option for me.
After an ectopic pregnancy and 8 miscarriages (some of which happened post adoption application) we moved forward with our plans to adopt.
We decided on pursuing adoption through the Ministry of Children and Family because we knew (after a lot of research) that there were way too many children in BC that needed good, loving homes. We also researched local domestic through private agencies, inter-country as well. But they were cost prohibitive and came with no guarantees that any infant would be completely healthy. So we opted for special needs adoption through MCFD.
With my extensive experience with the medical system and my ability to advocate for the services that I needed for myself, we felt confident that we could do the same for our children. My husband had to learn the system very quickly when I had the ectopic pregnancy as I wasn't able to speak for myself. He is now just as knowledgeable and experienced as I am, and a more fierce advocate you won't find.
In June of 2000 we signed up for adoption.
I will take this time to tell you how it all started.
In March of 1997 my husband and I started dating. I can't say that's when we met because we'd met a couple of years earlier but it took him that long to figure out that I liked him! So, like I said we started dating in March. In June we decided to move in together. That was something that didn't please my very christian family. We promised my very protective and old fashioned Dad that we would get married before we started a family...and we did. We got married in October of 1997. Whirlwind comes to mind when I think back on our start.
We had the usual comments of it won't work, they won't last, they haven't spent enough time together. But after 13 years of marriage we are still here (much to the surprise of everyone else who are now divorced) and thriving.
Move forward two years and you see us finding out about our infertility issues. It is these issues that finally push us into the journey of adoption.
I had always known that I would adopt. It's something I decided when I was 12 years old. It was then that I met my very best friend, who I found out was adopted. It was she who showed me the world of adoption and the joy it brings to all parties involved. Sure there are heartbreaks, and heart aches, but the joy outweighs them all.
So how did we come to the decision? This was a question I asked my husband prior to us getting serious in our short dating period. I explained to him that I had various health concerns and that because of those concerns I might not be able to have biological children and I might not want to if it was proven I could pass along my issues. I asked him in the beginning how he felt about adoption? Living my life without children was not an option for me.
After an ectopic pregnancy and 8 miscarriages (some of which happened post adoption application) we moved forward with our plans to adopt.
We decided on pursuing adoption through the Ministry of Children and Family because we knew (after a lot of research) that there were way too many children in BC that needed good, loving homes. We also researched local domestic through private agencies, inter-country as well. But they were cost prohibitive and came with no guarantees that any infant would be completely healthy. So we opted for special needs adoption through MCFD.
With my extensive experience with the medical system and my ability to advocate for the services that I needed for myself, we felt confident that we could do the same for our children. My husband had to learn the system very quickly when I had the ectopic pregnancy as I wasn't able to speak for myself. He is now just as knowledgeable and experienced as I am, and a more fierce advocate you won't find.
In June of 2000 we signed up for adoption.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)