by
William Martin. See: The Parent's Tao Te Ching.
In case you can't read it (I've never attached a picture before) it says:
Make the Ordinary Come Alive
Do not ask your children
to strive for extraordinary lives.
Such striving may seem admirable,
but it is a way of foolishness.
Help them instead to find the wonder
and the marvel of an ordinary life.
Show them the joy of tasting
tomatoes, apples, and pears.
Show them how to cry
when pets and people die.
Show them the infinite pleasure
in the touch of a hand.
And make the ordinary come alive for them.
The extraordinary will take care of itself.
You may be asking yourself how this has anything to do with
my journey through adoption.
Quite frankly I'm not sure yet. Let's see if it comes to me
while I'm writing my other thoughts on this piece.
This quote by William Martin encompasses so much of what
parents do without realizing they are doing it. I do not mean
teaching about the ordinary, rather pushing their children to
achieve greatness. These parents are not bad parents, not at
all. They honestly believe they are doing what's best for their
children. They see themselves as cheerleaders, mentors,
teachers, their children's biggest supporters. They ARE!
However, what they don't realize (and I myself am guilty of
being one of those parents until recently) is the pressure they
are putting on their child. That strive for extraordinary isn't for
the child's sake, not really; a little bit yes, but for the parents
ego. What parent doesn't want to brag about how fantastic
Little Johnny is at hockey? He's going to be the next Wayne
Gretzky, or Trevor Linden. We all do. We all have to stop.
What we have to focus on is our children's true abilities and
be a real cheerleader, a real supporter in helping them
achieve what they want, what's going to make them happy.
After all, isn't their happiness what it's ultimately all about?
I remember talking to my husband on our 2nd date about
how I was going to build my family through adoption. It didn't
matter to me whether or not I could
give birth to biological children, adoption was always part of
my life plan. Strange thing to bring up on a 2nd date right?
Not for me. See from our first date (which was the night
before) I somehow knew he was the one. I had been
married before and it wasn't good, so I decided that should
I ever decide to have another husband he would know every-
thing I wanted, everything I believed in, everything I expected
in a partner. Well, I didn't hold back. He did look at me with
shock but he also appreciated my candor and complete
openness. He agreed that he would be willing to look at
adoption but that he did want to try to conceive a child, too.
Well, we got our wish. We did conceive several times. But
our babies were never meant for this earth. It was after our
3rd miscarriage that we went to meet the adoption worker.
We had looked into all of our options and we decided that
adopting through the foster care system was right for us.
We knew we were headed for children with special needs,
and therefore we got educated. We took classes on anything
we could find, we did hours upon hours of research on every
kind of special need you could think of. Then we did the AEP.
Adoption Education Program. Then the home study, where
we found some new conditions we hadn't considered or
researched so we did. To make a long story longer, we
adopted 3 highly affected children.
Each child is unique, even though the majority of their
diagnoses are the same. "Spectrum Disorders". They
(whoever 'they' are) aren't kidding. Spectrum is right.
One of my children presents (and always has) as extremely
intelligent. Yet when his assessments were done he came
out testing extremely low. It was explained to us that he is
a good 'actor'. It's true! WE told them to be careful because
he will do whatever it takes to extend one on one time with
anyone! They didn't listen. By actor they meant he could
make anyone believe he understood something he didn't.
We already knew that, too. We, with the help of one of our
amazing therapists, had come up with a strategy to make
sure he did understand. How does this relate to the quote?
Well this is the child I was pushing. I, apologetically now,
pushed him so hard because I KNEW what he could/can do.
It didn't matter to me that he wasn't happy, I was only think-
ing about how great it was going to be to be able to brag to
my friends, and strangers, how my son was a doctor, lawyer,
pilot, NASA astronaut, Premier, Prime Minister! Any one of
these would make me so proud. Even more so because he
has these diagnoses. Of course these weren't
conscious thoughts, well not constantly. But I never stopped
to ask him what he thought he wanted to be when he grew
up.
Then one day a very wise person was here when I was
'helping' my son with his homework. She heard me pushing
him. She heard me telling him that he could be anything he
wanted when he grew up if he'd just put the effort in now! I
was angry with him.
She pulled me away and told my son he could go get ready
for bed. We went outside and she asked me, "What do you
really want for 'S' when he grows up?" I said I want him to
be happy. She said so don't you think he should be allowed
to be happy now, too? It was in that moment that the brick
wall hit me. Not just a single brick, but a whole wall. I was
pushing my son to make up for MY failings. What I believed
were my failings. It had nothing to do with him. I somehow,
somewhere in my mind felt that I could make up for what I
didn't accomplish by pushing my boy to do it. Me. My ego.
I took this child, who had been given to me by God, and
punished him. This precious child who was the answer to all
my hopes and dreams of having a family, this child who loved
and trusted me to be his Mummy, since he was just a one
year old baby, and crushed his dreams for my own.
Fortunately, that child also has a very forgiving nature and he
forgave me. Now he hears me say things like, 'if you need
help, I'm right here', 'Way to go Son! I'm so proud of you!'
He doesn't know what he wants to be yet, but it doesn't
matter, as long as he's happy.
I am now teaching my children the wonder in the ordinary
world. When is the last time you picked an apple off a tree
and just took a big bite? Or a plum, or carrots out of your
own garden? Try it, you'll be surprised how beautiful the
world is when you look through the eyes of a child.
Have a great day, and God Bless You.
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